One Funny Country: The Best Canadian Jokes From Coast to Coast to Coast

Who is the most hilarious of them all? Survey these cross-Canada zingers, gags and jests—and judge for yourself.

Canadian jokes - YukonIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Yukon

Prospecting for gold and guffaws

I’m so sorry if you’re single in March in the Yukon. There’s nothing left; it’s all gone. You go on Yukon Tinder and it just says, “Out of order, check back in May.”
George Maratos, Whitehorse

Ghost in the North
On October 30 last year in Whitehorse, residents were disturbed by a spooky noise ringing throughout town. It sounded like a wail, and no one knew where it was coming from. Locals started speculating on Facebook that it was a “very drunk owl,” or perhaps a “mechanical goose repeatedly honking.” Residents decided to contact Yukon Energy, thinking it might have been coming from the local hydro dam. When staff did a walk-through, they found the problem: a spill gate had been left open, and was the source of the otherworldly noise. Not so scary after all, but at least it got everyone in the mood for Halloween.

New Northerners
We all want to be part of the Yukon. We’re willing to invest the time and the resources. I’ve been growing a beard now for two years, trying to fit in.
Oshea Jephson, Whitehorse

Frisbee for One
A popular summer activity in the Yukon is disc golf, or Frisbee golf. A lot of people think it evolved from regular golf, but I think it evolved from lonely men who got tired of going to the park every day, trying to make friends to play catch with. They were just like, “You know what? I’m gonna figure out a way to play with these discs all by myself. Just me, the trees and my discs.” And when they’re playing, you can actually hear the trees going, “Nobody cares. You’re a grown man playing with discs.”
James Boyle, Whitehorse

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Canadian jokes - British ColumbiaIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

British Columbia

Welcome to the playful Pacific

Why do we have so many coins in Canada? We had bills. When I was a kid, we had a $2 bill. It had a bird on it. It was wonderful. There was a $1 bill, too. What happened? Did a pirate make it to the top of the Bank of Canada?
Ivan Decker, Ladner, B.C.

@ScanBC is a Twitter account that tweets out requests for law enforcement heard on police scanners around the province. Here are a few of the more absurd requests they’ve heard:
■ June 14, 2020: Fire crews in Maple Ridge are responding to a residence to assist a dog with its head stuck in a couch.
■ March 29, 2019: RCMP have requested assistance from the Squamish fire department after they raised their Canadian flag upside down.
■ Jan. 23, 2018: Vancouver Police are responding to the area of Renfrew and Hastings for reports of a cougar in a tree. The reported animal was located and found to be a very large raccoon.

Every time Canadian scientists announce they’ve found another dinosaur in B.C., I’m like, “Yeah, that’s when they’re from.”
Jeremy Woodcock, Toronto

At the end of Grade 10, I remember the vice principal at Prince of Wales sat me down and invited me to leave, which, looking back, was just a very Canadian way of kicking me out.
Ryan Reynolds, Vancouver

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Canadian jokes - Northwest TerritoriesIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Northwest Territories

Plenty of ice and laughs to go around

I’ve been thinking about telling my jokes as if I were Justin Trudeau, but I don’t think public opinion would really approve—I’d just be pushing my punchlines through like an oil pipeline, but for funnies.
Brad Thom, Fort Providence, N.W.T.

Immigration Reform
Canada should have the easiest immigration policy. Do you want to move to Canada? Okay, we’ll come pick you up. It doesn’t matter where you are in the world; we’re gonna come pick you up at no cost to you. But we’re going to bring you here in January, and we’re going to land the plane in Yellowknife. All those potential immigrants will be excited, thinking we landed at night. Nope, it’s 2 in the afternoon.
Arthur Simeon, Toronto

I was born and raised in Inuvik, N.W.T. Even though I’m from here, though, I can’t start a Ski-Doo, I don’t hunt, and I hate the cold, so I really need this comedy thing to work.
Dez Loreen, Inuvik, N.W.T.

Tourist Traps
Tourism website Spectacular Northwest Territories rounded up a list of the strangest and most dangerous places in the territory. Their names are…a bit on the nose:
■ The Smoking Hills
■ The Bottomless Lake
■ The Peak With No Name
■ The Lake That Fell Off a Cliff
■ The Rapids of the Drowned
SPECTACULARNWT.COM

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Canadian jokes - AlbertaIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Alberta

The wacky, witty west

A Calgarian rolled up the rim on his Tim Hortons coffee. He stared in disbelief for a moment, then started yelling, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
A woman working at the counter said, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
“No, it says right here,” he said, handing the cup to the employee: “W I N A B A G E L.”
CANADIANBUCKETLIST.COM

Riveting Radio
CBC can be a little dry at times. The other day I heard this on CBC Radio: “Today on the program we’re talking about lineups. Call us with your fascinating lineup stories.” There’s no such thing!
Gavin Crawford, Taber, Alta.

Signs you’ve been in Alberta too long:
■ You think Medicine Hat is “The Windy City”
■ You mistake mosquitoes for birds
■ Oil has started leaking out of your boots
HUFFPOST.CA

Alberta, the province with the most straight, flat roads and cars stuck in ditches beside them.
REDDIT.CA

I smoked pot openly in Calgary—because nobody knew what pot was.
Tommy Chong, Calgary

Cultural Differences
I come from High River, Alberta. All my relatives are from big cities all around the world. Sometimes they make fun of me and say, “Oh, Noor, you’re from High River. You know nothing about your culture.” I’m like, “What? I’m from High River. I spend my whole life explaining my culture.” Sometimes it’s not even my own culture. People in High River will ask me, “Hey, Noor, you guys don’t eat meat, right?” And I’m like, “No, that’s actually Hindus.” They’re like, “Oh, what do Hindus believe?” And I’m like, “I don’t know. I’m from High River, too!”
Noor Kidwai, High River, Alta.

Apologizing is huge in Canada’s culture. But not in my culture. Did you know that there isn’t a word for “sorry” in my Cree language? That’s because we didn’t do anything to apologize for.
Howie Miller, Edmonton

For our American guests, let me just say how brave it is of you to join us here, in a country that is such a hostile national security threat. I should let you know, though, if some of you are not careful, we may make you drink your own beer.
Rachel Notley, Edmonton

People think of Canadians as peaceful people, not getting into wars, not having handguns. But our national pastime is this game where we just pummel each other.
Michael J. Fox, Edmonton

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Canadian jokes - SaskatchewanIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Saskatchewan

The landscape may be flat, but not the sense of humour!

I’ve played a lot of leaders, autocratic types. Perhaps it was my Canadian accent.
Leslie Nielsen, Regina

I don’t mind being a symbol, but I don’t want to become a monument. There are monuments all over the Parliament Buildings, and I’ve seen what the pigeons do to them.
Tommy Douglas, Saskatoon (by way of Scotland)

A Saskatchewan farmer decides to retire and move to the Rocky Mountains after living his whole life on the prairies. A few months later, a friend comes to visit.
“What do you think of the mountains?” his friend asks.
“They’re okay,” the farmer says. “But they sure obscure the view.”
UPJOKE.COM

Things you won’t hear in Saskatchewan:
■ “Duct tape isn’t going to fix that.”
■ “Is the seafood fresh?”
■ “I just don’t feel like bingo tonight.”
CANADAKA.NET

Saskatchewan is known for its extreme temperatures. It’s very cold. When I was in elementary school, I had to walk backwards to school so I wouldn’t get frostbite on the front of my face.
Tatiana Maslany, Regina

The Lord said, “Let there be wheat,” and Saskatchewan was born.
Stephen Leacock, Sutton, Ont.

Wearing a mask these past few months has really opened my eyes to how far away my ears are from my nose.
Brent Butt, Tisdale, Sask.


Canadian jokes - ManitobaIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Manitoba

Dry winters and a dry sense of humour

Fiery Romance
It’s so cold in Winnipeg right now that I’m actually hoping for a heated argument with my wife.
—@msilvawpg

Brandon, Man., named one of its local malls the Shoppers Mall, in case people forget what they went there to do.
REDDIT.CA

Growing up on the prairies, we had only three channels: CBC, a blurry channel, and the French channel. It was called Farmer Vision.
Big Daddy Tazz, Winnipeg

In Canada we’re racist; we’re just passive-aggressive about it. If Canadian racism were a person, they would be your best friend. And you’d go over to them in your new jeans like, “How do I look?” And Canadian racism would say something like, “Oh, beauty standards are really hard.”
Aisha Alfa, Winnipeg


Canadian jokes - NunavutIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Nunavut

Cold weather, warm laughs

With #NunavutTVShows, Twitter users imagine their favourite series set up north:
■ Square Dancing With the Stars —@Alethia_Aggiuq
■ No Tree Hill —@geckospots
■ The Price is NOT Right —@khumbu2015
■ Saved by the Bell 10 GB Data Package —@Nuliayuk

Population Density
Three of five people living in Iqaluit, Nunavut, are actually winter coats hanging on the backs of chairs.
—Satirical Twitter account @Stats_Canada

Culture Shock
I have a lot of trouble when I go to the south, because there are just so many rules. I had to pay for parking today—and then I got a ticket because I parked on the sidewalk. But we don’t have sidewalks!
Bibi Bilodeau, Iqaluit


Canadian jokes - OntarioIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Ontario

Where so much hilarity is “yours to discover”

Essential Knowledge
Let me tell you about Canadian Heritage Minutes. Most people in most countries feel good about themselves naturally, but we Canadians have a self-esteem issue, so the government feels the need to flood our televisions with commercials about obscure stuff that happened hundreds of years ago that nobody knows about. At the end of the commercials they’re always like, “And that man was Trent Foster Rivers,” and you’re like, “Who?”
Nile Seguin, Ottawa

Toronto housing market: taking your relationship to the next level under financial duress since 2009.
Cassie Cao, Toronto

I’m not afraid to get ugly. I think that comes from my Canadian work ethic. I’m only half-joking. It comes from a place of just wanting to execute the best possible joke in the moment, whatever it takes. What’s the funniest thing I can do? Oh, that’s awful. Okay, that’s it. I’ll do it. Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m doing it. Okay, it’s over.
Samantha Bee, Toronto

Canadian white folks get mad. They say, “Hey, you don’t diss our boiled potatoes. Sometimes we put salt in that water.”
Russell Peters, Toronto

And the Oscar for best actress goes to…Woman Enjoying the Turkey Sausage Breakfast Sandwich in Tim Hortons Commercial. What a performance!
D.J. Demers, Kitchener, Ont.

Cutting Remark
The meanest thing you can say to a guy in Canada? I hope your hockey team loses.
Nour Hadidi, Toronto

Canada and America are closer than friends. We’re more like siblings. We have shared parentage, though we took different paths in our later years. We became the stay-at-home type, and you grew to be a little more rebellious.
—Prime Minister Justin Trudeau

National Tradition
I got into hockey as a kid for the same reason all Canadians get into hockey—I wanted my dad to love me.
Dave Hemstad, Thornhill, Ont.

Every Canadian has a complicated relationship with the United States, whereas Americans think of Canada as the place where the weather comes from.
Margaret Atwood, Ottawa

Canadians, we have our Thanksgiving in October. We have different traditions. We like to stuff the turkey through the beak. We’ll sit around and tell each other what we’re thankful for and then apologize if it feels like bragging. We eat a whole potato because mashing requires too much aggression. And then at the end of dinner, we stand around and sing songs about public health care.
Martin Short, Hamilton, Ont.

Q: Why do all Canadians live in igloos?
A: We need to keep cool because our prime minister is so hot.
Lilly Singh, Toronto

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Canadian jokes - QuebecIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Quebec

Notoriously funny—in two languages!

Laura Secord is the founding mother of Canada. She made all the chocolates I ate growing up. A lot of people had a poster of David Cassidy over their bed. I had the Laura Secord chocolate chart.
Caroline Rhea, Montreal

Quebec City has more mimes per capita than any other Canadian city.
—Satirical Twitter account @Stats_Canada

Bad Joke
The biggest thing that makes me truly embarrassed to be Canadian, and specifically from Quebec, is Just for Laughs Gags.
Zoe Whittall, Toronto

Plus Ça Change…
Only in Montreal can you leave for three months and return to see every traffic cone in the exact same spot.
—@brandonprust8

Riddle Me This
What do you call a French Canadian who can speak English? Bilingual.
What do you call an English Canadian who can speak French? A miracle.
REDDIT.COM

Quebec Quirks
We’re on day four of rain in Montreal today. I just saw a guy out walking his goldfish.
David Acer, Montreal

“If this vaccine gives you a fever, have a glass of red wine.” –A nurse in Quebec
Jess Salomon, Montreal

Over the years, people in Montreal have embraced me with open arms. And those who didn’t, well, those are the people who traded me.
P.K. Subban, Toronto

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Canadian jokes - New BrunswickIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

New Brunswick

Land of the lobster, the sea and some very funny people

Dad: Did I tell you my joke about New Brunswick’s population?
Child: Nope.
Dad: Actually, never mind. It’s getting pretty old.
THEMANATEE.COM

Mr. Dress-Up
New Brunswick is like the provincial equivalent of an elderly man in a sweater vest.
REDDIT.COM

We’re thinking of changing our motto: New Brunswick—if you’ve hit Nova Scotia, you’ve gone too far.
Brian Gallant, Shediac, N.B.

Through and Through
They ask me at the border why I don’t take American citizenship. I could still be Canadian, they say. You could have dual citizenship. But I say no, I’m not dual anything. I’m Canadian. There’s a maple leaf in my underwear somewhere.
Donald Sutherland, Saint John, N.B.

Seasons of Change
In New Brunswick, we get four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and construction.
REDDIT.COM

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Canadian jokes - Nova ScotiaIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Nova Scotia

High tides and hilarity

The best thing about my status card is that I can fish wherever, whenever I want. I was in Loblaws the other day and dropped my line in the fish tank.
Janelle Niles, Truro, N.S.

Danger Zone
We have a place in Nova Scotia called Peggy’s Cove, where not long ago a woman went over the edge—and she lived. But this is a pet peeve for me, because they talked about it for weeks after on the radio: “Maybe we need to hire students with little orange vests that say it’s dangerous to go out on the rocks,” they said, “or maybe we need to put more signs up.” Apparently the ocean slamming into the continent and shooting spray 45 feet in the air does not say “danger!” to some people.
Candy Palmater, Halifax

I feel like all Nova Scotia tourism has to say is, “Dude, you can ride your bike, then walk through the woods, then jump in a lake.”
Ellen Page, Halifax

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Canadian jokes - Prince Edward IslandIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Prince Edward Island

The smallest province with the largest laughs

Celebrating History
I’m from Charlottetown, where the country was formed in a blurry stupor by the Fathers of Confederation. You know, Charlottetown is so proud of its place in our history that every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night there are still re-enactments of the drinking that went on during that fateful gathering.
Jonathan Torrens, Charlottetown

Know Thyself
Writer Ivy Knight’s book You Know You’re an Islander When… offers an insider-joke tome for Prince Edward Islanders. Here are some highlights:
■ You get excited when you hear P.E.I. mentioned on any news outlet other than Compass
■ When you see the sign for Vogue Optical, you automatically sing in your head, “Your second pair is free”
■ You know the difference between “out west” and “up west”
■ Crapaud: to others, it’s a joke; to you, it’s home

Did you ever hear the joke about the woman who moved to P.E.I. when she was two years old? She lived her whole life on the Island and died here on her 90th birthday. But her obituary still read, “Woman from away died peacefully in her home.”
Teresa Wright, Charlottetown

You know you’re in P.E.I. when there are seven empty cars running in the parking lot of your local Canadian Tire at all times.
CANADAKA.NET

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Canadian jokes - Newfoundland and LabradorIllustration: Paul G. Hammond

Newfoundland and Labrador

Famed for its beautiful landscapes—and side-splitting humour

Radio just reported that a pregnant woman in labour drove herself to the hospital on a Ski-Doo. I hope they are okay. I’m pretty sure this child will grow up to be the future premier who will lead us to prosperity.
Mark Critch, St. John’s

Legend has it the Macarena originated in Newfoundland when a fisherman got up out of his chair and started anxiously searching his shirt and pants pockets for a pack of smokes.
REDDIT.COM

According to a recent Dominion Institute poll, a majority of Canadians have no idea how Parliament works. Which is fine. We’re a very busy people—we have lives to lead, families to raise. Not to mention we’re all on hold with Rogers.
Rick Mercer, St. John’s

Common Misconception
I’m so sick and tired of Americans misunderstanding Canadians: “Aww, isn’t that cute. He’s from Canada. Hey, Bob! They just got electricity up there.” There are so many things they don’t know about us. Like, first of all, we’ve had electricity since the early ’80s.
Shaun Majumder, Burlington, N.L.

Canadian tweens spend 81 per cent of geography class laughing at names of towns in Newfoundland.
—Satirical Twitter account @Stats_Canada

Apocalypse Later
The world will end at midnight… Twelve-thirty, Newfoundland.
REDDIT.COM

“[Newfoundlanders are like] a genetic pool the size of a pudding bowl. So I always think that the first two who came were really funny, and it just went on from there.”
Mary Walsh, St. John’s

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Originally Published in Reader's Digest Canada