75+ Hilarious Birthday Jokes That Are Guaranteed to Get a Laugh
“Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays, live the longest.”
Birthday Cake Love
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
It’ll Do the Job…
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. —P.G. Wodehouse
Whoops, No Present
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
Q: Did you hear about the tree’s birthday?
A: It was a sappy one!
Family Age Jokes
Age is a relative thing. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.
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Q: What did the elephant want for his birthday?
A: A trunk full of gifts.
Q: What do you say to your goldfish on his birthday?
A: Have a fin-tastic day.
Q: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A: When you slice it.
Up For Bid
You know you’re getting old when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.
Birthday Cake Visit
Q: Why did the birthday cake visit the psychologist?
A: Because it was feeling crumby.
Don’t miss these hilarious jokes for history buffs!
Q: What did the teddy bear say when it was offered some birthday cake?
A: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Coffee Lovers Birthday
Q: What kind of birthday cake do you get for a coffee lover?
Always Getting Older
Q: What goes up and never comes down?
A: Your age.
Obvious Birthday Joke
Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays, live the longest.
Cake With Candles
Q: Doctor, doctor—why do I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake?
A: Try taking the candles off.
Trick or treat! You need to learn these corny Halloween jokes.
Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
A: Mice cream and cake.
Moby Dick Birthday
Q: How did Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
A: He had a whale of a time.
Birthdays are like Valentine’s day for one. —Jordan Trafford
Too Much of a Good Thing
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Birthdays in Heaven
Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A: Angel food cake.
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Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A: Aye, matey!
Q: How do pickles celebrate their birthdays?
A: They relish the moment.
Q: Where do you get a birthday present for your cat?
A: From a cat-alogue.
I always feel warm on my birthday because people don’t stop toasting me.
You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
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I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don’t really know. —Andy Borowitz
What Have You Achieved?
Birthdays are just participation awards in life. —Brian Millward
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Always Changing Numbers
It’s easier to remember your age if you don’t change it every year.
These jokes about work will get you through the work week!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My mother-in-law is like a fine wine. She gets more expensive with age. —Ben McKay
Short Term Memory’s the First to Go
Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself—especially if you’re still young enough to remember it.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Can’t Blow Out the Candles
The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
Don’t miss these funny birthday quotes for everyone in your life.
Crazy Coincidence, That!
Q: What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
A: They were all born on holidays.
Every year on my birthday, I looked forward to my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand. One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read, “Scarf, some assembly required.”
Greeting Cards: When you care enough to send the very best but not enough to actually write something.
Do the Math
I read that 60 is the new 40, which is a really nice way of saying that I’ll have to work an extra 25 years before I can retire. —Brian Millward
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
These are the best jokes from up-and-coming Canadian comedians.
Bald Man Birthday
Q: What did the bald guy say when he was given a comb for his birthday?
A: Thanks, I’ll never part with it.
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up, remember… You can always change your birthday on Facebook!
Under the Knife
You should never get plastic surgery to look younger. You should get it to look rich. —Brian Millward
Your Pleasure, My Pain
Birthdays are like bank holidays: most of us have to work. —Jordan Trafford
Birthdays are a great time to stop and appreciate gravity. Sure, it makes things sag as you get older, but it also keeps your cake from flying all over the room so you don’t have to chase it. — Greg Tamblyn
Every science-lover will appreciate these physics jokes.
I finally realized my parents favoured my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party. [Source: OneLineFun]
Words of Wisdom
You can’t help getting older but you don’t have to get old. —George Burns
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law. —Jerry Seinfeld
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. —Will Rogers
Make a Wish
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: Do your job.
Ready to groan? Here are 50 bad jokes you can’t help but laugh at!
Take the Wheel
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. [Source: Huffington Post]
They Call it Nesting
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. —Phyllis Diller
If you’re going to take a nap at this age, let us know—we wouldn’t want to bury you by accident. —Deepak Kashyap
He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. —George Burns
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. —Billy Crystal
Don’t miss the history of the world in 27 dumb jokes.
It’s All Relative
Looking 50 is great—if you’re 60. —Joan Rivers
The Small Print
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. —Woody Allen
We put only a single candle on your cake, as we didn’t want to strain your lungs. —Deepak Kashyap
It Can Be a Blessing
At your age having a clear conscience is usually a sign of bad memory. —Steven Wright
You know you’re old when you and your teeth don’t sleep together. [Source: Jokes4Us]
Here are 20 clever jokes every grammar nerd will appreciate.
But It’s For Me!
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it. —Joan Rivers
Hey, It Works
Q: What’s the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary?
A: Get married on his birthday. [Source: Jokes4Us]
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. —Bob Hope
Isn’t It Ironic?
A birthday is a great time to take a moment to appreciate the little things. That said, I know that spotting little things is easier said than done at your age! Happy Birthday! [Source: Birthday Wishes]
Ask a Silly Question
Q: “Were any famous men born on your birthday?”
A: “No, only little babies.” [Source: Jokes4Us]
These clever jokes will make you sound smart!
Throw It to the Wind
You know you’re getting old when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise. [Source: Jokes4Us]
Take a Breath
The emergency department is on speed dial just in case you have an unexpected asthma attack blowing the candles. [Source: Birthday Wishes]
With Great Age Comes Great…
Another year to prove that older doesn’t really mean wiser. Happy birthday! [Source: Birthday Wishes]
Q: What did the witch do on her birthday?
A: She spellabrates. [Source: Jokes4Us]
These are the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes of all time!