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40 Comedians Reveal Their Favourite Jokes Ever

Some of our favourite comedians, humourists and actors share the one joke that always makes them laugh.

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Matty SimmonsRyan Miller/Invision/AP/Shutterstock

What Are Your Favourite Jokes Ever?

When people hear that I founded National Lampoon and produced Animal House and the Vacation films, they always make the same demand: “Say something funny!” So I tell them about the time I ran into the comedian Henny Youngman at the racetrack. “Henny, how are you doing?” I asked. He said, “Matty, I bet on the politest horse ever. He let all the other horses go in front of him.” I invited my favourite comedians, funny actors, and humourists from over the decades to share a joke or a quote that cracks them up. Let’s see if their gags are funnier than mine.

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Aasif MandviAndy Kropa/Invision/AP/Shutterstock

Aasif Mandvi’s favourite joke ever

Rene Descartes was at a party when the waiter asked if he would care for a hors d’oeuvre. Descartes said, “I think not” … and disappeared. —Aasif Mandvi, a former correspondent on The Daily Show and the author of No Man’s Land.

Check out more jokes that make you sound smart!

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Allison JanneyBroadimage/Shutterstock

Allison Janney’s favourite joke

A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. “There are no fish under the ice!” He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: “There are no fish under the ice!” He nervously looks up and asks, “Lord? Is that you?” “No, this is the rink manager!” —Emmy Award-winning actress Allison Janney

Check out the best Canadian jokes ever!

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Doug BensonGilbert Flores/Variety/Shutterstock

What are your thoughts on pepperoni?

“Don’t ask me about my pan pizza, it’s personal.” Doug Benson, quoting Megan Neuringer

Check out the funniest quotes of all time!

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Riki LindhomeChelsea Lauren/Shutterstock

New motorcycle

When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle. —Riki Lindhome, quoting Anthony Jeselnik

Here are 30 new year’s jokes that’ll have you laughing out loud.

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Jason AlexanderDavid Buchan/Variety/Shutterstock

Jason Alexander’s favourite joke

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”

“And yer hand?” asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”

“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.” Jason Alexander, who played George on Seinfeld and appeared on Broadway in A Fish in the Dark.

These hilarious jokes about work will help you make it through the week!

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Joe MandeJohn Davisson/Invision/AP/Shutterstock

Clown dinner

Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, Does this taste funny to you? —Joe Mande, quoting his Dad

You’ll love these 50 best knock-knock jokes for kids.

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Gary GulmanAurora Rose/StarPix/Shutterstock

A critical question

My favourite joke of all time is: “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?” —Gary Gulman, a finalist on Last Comic Standing, has appeared on Late Night with Seth Meyers and Inside Amy Schumer.

Don’t miss these other side-splitting history jokes!

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Mike SchurEric Charbonneau/Invision/AP/Shutterstock

What a man-wich

Scene: From the TV show Parks and Recreation. Ron Swanson, a manly and prodigious eater, has told a coworker that the hot dog/hamburger stand in the bowling alley is his favourite restaurant.

Coworker: “Really? Aren’t you scared to eat there?”

Ron Swanson: “When I eat, it is the food that is scared.” —Mike Schur, co-creator of Parks and Recreation and Brooklyn Nine-Nine

These funny cat GIFs are purr-fect for any occasion!

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Megan AmranNINA PROMMER/EPA-EFE/Shutterstock

Religious undertones

“I’d like to think that halfway through Nicole Kidman’s last name there’s a tiny bar mitzvah.” — Megan Amran, Twitter Queen, author, and former writer/producer Parks and Recreation, quoting Justin Shanes

These hilarious yearbook quotes will crack you up.

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Jane Lynch