80 Funny Jokes to Start Your Day With a Smile

Whether you're celebrating National Tell a Joke Day (August 16), April Fool's Day, or simply need a reason to smile, you're going to love this cheesy collection of puns and one-liners—no kidding!

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ham sandwich
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Funny Jokes That Are Guaranteed to Make You Grin

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, “sorry, we don’t serve food here.”


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Funny jokes to tell - why don't melons get married?
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Why don’t melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.

Toasting a bride and groom in the near future? Check out our all-time favourite wedding jokes.

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clydesdale
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Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse.

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fish without eyes
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What do you call a fish without eyes?
Fsh.

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alligator detective
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What do you call an alligator detective?
An investi-gator.

Looking for more funny jokes? Add these hilarious podcasts to your playlist.

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scarecrow award
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.

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talking muffin
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There are two muffins baking in the oven.
One muffin says to the other, “Phew, is it getting hot in here or is it just me?”
The other muffin says, “AAAAHHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!”

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soccer match
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What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match.

Don’t miss our knee-slapping roundup of great Canadian jokes.

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broken pencil
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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless.

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bird flu swine flu
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What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other an oinkment.

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sleeping dinosaur
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What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.

These silly sleep jokes will have you snickering in bed.

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foul play
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After a crime, a detective noted that he thought it was foul play.
The other detective said, “You mean, he was playing with birds?”

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brown and sticky
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What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

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policeman
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What did the policeman say to his bellybutton?
You’re under a vest.

Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? Try these birthday jokes!

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break a leg
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Why do people say “break a leg” when you go on stage?
Because every play has a cast.

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karate pig
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

These dog jokes will leave you howling with laughter.

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ghost hearing
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What kind of ghost has the best hearing?
The eeriest.

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cemetery gates
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Why are there gates around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.

Here are more corny Halloween jokes to share on October 31.

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seagulls
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over a bay, they would be bagels.

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computers overheat
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When do computers overheat?
When they need to vent.

Everyone will relate to these funny tweets about technology.

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music planets
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What kind of music do planets like?
Neptunes.

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sticky hair
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Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.

These funny headlines could only have happened in Canada!

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rabbits travel
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How do rabbits travel?
By hareplanes.

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vampire sick
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How do you tell if a vampire is sick?
By how much he is coffin.

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cow two legs
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What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef!

These silly cow jokes will lighten your moo-d.

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fake spaghetti
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What do you call fake spaghetti?
An im-pasta.

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yoga landlord
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What did the yoga instructor say when her landlord tried to evict her?
Namaste.

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charging bull
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How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel its credit card.

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mushroom party
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Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a fungi.

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birds stick together
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What do you call birds that stick together?
Vel-crows.

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sea monsters eat
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What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.

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nose 12 inches
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Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.

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ocean shore
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What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing…It just waved.

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tomato race
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What did the tomato say to the other tomato during a race?
Ketchup.

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golfer pants
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Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

Here are more golf jokes that’ll have you giggling on the green.

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factory good products
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What do you call a factory that sells good products?
A satisfactory.

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barber race
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How did the barber win the race?
He knew a shortcut.

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cows like to read
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What do cows most like to read?
Cattle-logs.

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chicken coop
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Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be called a chicken sedan.

Need to defuse an awkward situation? These funny phrases could definitely come in handy.

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pile of cats
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What do you call a pile of cats?
A meow-tain.

Here are 25 cat jokes that are paws-itively hilarious.

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four wheels
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What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

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poker jungle
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Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

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drop a piano
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What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

These hilarious history jokes are anything but dusty!

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duck lipstick
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How does a duck buy lipstick?
She just puts it on her bill.

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frogs happy
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Why are frogs are so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.

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one hat
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What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

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sick boat
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What do you do with a sick boat?
Take it to the doc already.

These doctor jokes will have you in stitches!

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the picture go to jail?
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Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.

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Funny jokes to tell - what runs but never goes anywhere?
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What runs but never goes anywhere?
A refrigerator.

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Funny jokes to tell - what do horses say when they fall?
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What do horses say when they fall?
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy up.

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Funny jokes to tell - an apple a day keeps the doctor away
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An apple a day really can keep the doctor away…
But only if you aim it well.

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Funny jokes to tell - duck doctors
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Why can’t you trust duck doctors?
They’re all quacks.

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the robber jump in the shower
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Why did the robber jump in the shower?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.

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Funny jokes to tell - what did the elevator say when it sneezed?
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What did the elevator say when it sneezed?
I think I’m coming down with something.

Check out the funniest light bulb jokes on the Internet.

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Funny jokes to tell - what do you call shoes made of banana peels?
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What do you call shoes made of banana peels?
Slippers.

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the bicycle collapse
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Why did the bicycle collapse?
It was two tired.

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Funny jokes to tell - what do you call a bear with no teeth?
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the restaurant hire a pig?
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Why did the restaurant hire a pig?
He was good at bacon.

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Funny jokes to tell - vicious cycle
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Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning?
It was a vicious cycle.

Here are 25 funny good morning GIFs to start your day with a smile!

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Funny jokes to tell - why did the poor man stock up on yeast?
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Why did the poor man stock up on yeast?
To make some dough.

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Funny jokes to tell - what does corn say when you give it a compliment?
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What does corn say when you give it a compliment?
Aw shucks!

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Funny jokes to tell - why were the fish's grades so bad?
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Why were the fish’s grades so bad?
It was below sea level.

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Funny jokes to tell - why wouldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
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Why wouldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino?
He was on a roll.

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Funny jokes to tell - what kind of shoes do burglars wear?
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What kind of shoes do burglars wear?
Sneakers.

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Funny jokes to tell - why don't eggs tell jokes?
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Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.

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Corny jokes - restaurant on the moon
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

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Corny jokes - never buy anything with velcro
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Never buy anything with Velcro.
It’s a total rip-off.

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Corny jokes - invisible man
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Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.

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Corny jokes - what do lawyers wear to work?
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What do lawyers wear to work?
Lawsuits.

Here are more side-splitting lawyer jokes.

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Corny jokes - when is a door not a door
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When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.

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Corny jokes - a termite walks into a bar
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A termite walks into the bar and asks,
“Is the bar tender here?” 

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Corny jokes - broken arm
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I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.  

Are you ready for April 1st? Check out 10 April Fool’s pranks to do at home.

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Corny jokes - burn 1000 calories
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What’s the best way to burn 1000 calories?
Leave the pizza in the oven. 

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Corny jokes - why are the Irish so wealthy?
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Why are the Irish so wealthy?
Because their capital is always Dublin.

Here are more clean jokes you can comfortably share with your family.

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Corny jokes - what has more lives than a cat?
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What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, because it croaks every night. 

Find the purr-fect cat GIF for every occasion!

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Corny jokes - what do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law. 

Check out these up-and-coming Canadian comedians—and their best jokes!

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Corny jokes - it's not hard to meet expenses
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It’s not hard to meet expenses.
They’re everywhere.

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Corny jokes - all those who believe in psychokinesis
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All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my right hand. 

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Corny jokes - if a parsley farmer is sued
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? 

For more funny jokes, add the best comedies on Netflix Canada to your watchlist.

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Corny jokes - this is my step ladder
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This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

Next, check out 25 knock-knock jokes that are genuinely funny!

Reader's Digest
Originally Published on Reader's Digest