20 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table
Gobble them up!
Jon Stewart on traditional celebrations
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighbourhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
Nicole Hollander on Thanksgiving leftovers
“Cooking tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out.” —Nicole Hollander
Kevin James on Thanksgiving attire
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
Erma Bombeck on Thanksgiving gravy
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” —Erma Bombeck
Jim Gaffigan on Thanksgiving traditions
“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?” —Jim Gaffigan
Jim Davis on the Thanksgiving menu
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
Ted Nugent on turkeys as a species
“If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed—like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.” —Ted Nugent
Don’t miss these hilarious Tweets about food!
Rita Rudner on home cooking
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.” —Rita Rudner (Sounds like these Thanksgiving turkey tips could come in handy!)
Kenny Rogerson on hunting your own Thanksgiving turkey
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
George Carlin on alternate Thanksgiving meals
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
Jay Leno on overeating at Thanksgiving
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.” —Jay Leno
Not feeling the attitude of gratitude this year? Here are 30+ reasons to be thankful this Thanksgiving.
Carl Sagan on apple pie recipes
“If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch, you must first invent the universe.” —Carl Sagan
Psst—these are the best apples for apple pie!
Michael Dresser on Thanksgiving as patriotism
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.” —Michael Dresser
Don’t miss this roundup of hilarious short jokes!
Irv Kupcinet on optimism
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
Looking for more laughs? Check out the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes of all time!
Howie Mandel on being south of the border for American Thanksgiving
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that?”
Check out more hilarious jokes from Canada’s up-and-coming comedy stars.
Stephen Colbert on the spirit of Thanksgiving
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise obesity statistics.” —Stephen Colbert
Next, check out these hilarious Butterball help line calls!