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100+ Funny Tweets Every Parent Can Relate To

Parenting is both challenging and rewarding—and sometimes very, very funny. These totally relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.

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Funny parenting tweets - kids playing on phonesPhoto: Ummi Hassian / Shutterstock.com

Parting words

My five-year-old-son loves YouTube and seems to think that “Please subscribe to my channel” is a way to say goodbye. —@emisheep

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Funny parent tweets - little girl holding markersPhoto: Shutterstock

The writing’s on the wall/table

Kids get all shocked when you figure out they did something wrong. “Mom, how did you know I coloured on the table?” Because you wrote your name on it. —@fiveoclockmommy

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Funny parent tweets - bored kid e-learning at laptopPhoto: Shutterstock

Genius in the making

My wife is a teacher, and apparently one student has been changing his name to “Reconnecting” during the Zoom lessons so he doesn’t get asked any questions. He’s been doing it for weeks. The lad doesn’t need to worry about his education—he’s already a genius.  —@chrisarnoldinc

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Funny parent tweets - little boy day dreamingPhoto: Shutterstock

Wait until career day

Me: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Four-year-old: I want to drink beer.
Me: No, like, what do you want to be?
Four-year-old: A beer drinker. —@daddydoubts

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Funny parent tweets - angry little girlPhoto: Shutterstock

Common courtesy

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning. She hates bananas. —@pro_worrier_

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Funny parent tweets - little girl looking in closetPhoto: Shutterstock

Dress code

After my daughter refused to get dressed, I lost my temper and told her she couldn’t come downstairs until she’d changed out of her pyjamas.

She then changed into another pair of pyjamas. —@dara_bhur_gcara

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Funny parent tweets - confused little boyPhoto: Shutterstock

He’ll get back to you on that

Today I asked a kindergartner if Friday was his favourite day of the week. His response: “I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things. I’m confused all the time.” —@donomo

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Funny parent tweets - silly prison inmatePhoto: Shutterstock

A worthy sacrifice

My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school, and I told her that it’s against the law and I could go to jail. She then looked me in the eyes and said: “I’ll visit you.” —@ceciatl

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Funny parent tweets - stuffed animalsPhoto: Shutterstock

They grow up so fast

While at a department store, I noticed a girl stare longingly at the stuffed animals and say, “I wish I was still a kid.”

Her dad, standing next to her, replied: “You’re 10.” —@handlebrandle

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Funny parent tweets - tired woman yawningPhoto: Shutterstock

A wrinkle in his plans

While I was lying next to my four-year-old, he looked into my eyes, parted my hair to the side and said, “Mommy, I can’t rub the lines out of your face.” —@muminbits

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Funny parent tweets - little boy measuring heightPhoto: Shutterstock

Care to prove that?

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:

  • He invented the “thumbs up.”
  • Only “some” lizards can read.
  • He forgot how to eat carrots.
  • His daycare allows swords. —@henpeckedhal
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Funny parent tweets - girl drawingPhoto: Shutterstock

Role model

My seven-year-old drew a self-portrait, gift it to herself and hung it up on her wall. From now on, I’m making her my life coach. —@gfishandnuggets

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Hilarious tweets - shark fin from JawsPhoto: Shutterstock

So that’s where he went

When asked by a friend at daycare why she has two moms, my four-year-old answered that her dad was eaten by a shark. —@bakekater

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Funny parent tweets - kid on tabletPhoto: Shutterstock

Tech savvy

My six-year-old: I figured out the password to the tablet and bypassed the parental controls to download all my shows.
Also my six-year-old: Help! I put both my legs in the same pant hole and now I’m stuck! —@not_thenanny

If you’ve ever provided tech support for your own parents, you’ll relate to this hilarious story.

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Funny parent tweets - cargo shorts isolatedPhoto: Shutterstock

Versatile wardrobe

A brief history of my 11-year-old’s attitude toward wearing shorts:
School in winter: Shorts
Bedtime: Shorts
Camping: Shorts
Walking the dog on a wet and windy day: Shorts
Expedition to the North Pole: Shorts
Voyage the the moon: Shorts —@threetimedaddy

Funny Parenting Tweets - Spilled MilkPhoto: Shutterstock

The Laws of Kid Physics

A typical cup holds about eight ounces of liquid. But if a child spills it, that number increases to eight gallons. – @homewithpeanut

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Kids In ShortsPhoto: Shutterstock

The Long and Shorts of It

My toddler demanded shorts, and now he’s crying that they’re broken because they don’t cover his legs. @snarkymomtobe

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Reading BookPhoto: Shutterstock

No Spoilers

Six-year-old: *Flips to the end of the calendar*
Me: What are you doing?
Six-year-old: I want to know what happens. – @xplodingunicorn

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Little Girl SingingPhoto: Shutterstock

Born Performers

The magical thing about toddlers is they can be mid-tantrum and seamlessly cut to the best performance of “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” you’ve ever seen. – @thatmummylife

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Alarm ClockPhoto: Shutterstock

Time Flies

My four-year-old used the phrase “a long time ago today” to describe something that happened this morning, and it’s probably the most accurate description I’ve ever heard. – @thecatwhisprer

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Pickle JarPhoto: Shutterstock

Betcha Can’t Have Just One

Me: What do you want for lunch?
Three-year-old: A pickle.
Me: A pickle is not a meal.
Three-year-old: Two pickles. – @daddydoubts

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Pretty CemeteryPhoto: Shutterstock

Tomb With a View

My daughter just called a cemetery a “person garden.” I’m not sure what she thinks is going on there. – @java_assassin

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Eating SpaghettiPhoto: Shutterstock

Life is Tough

Me: Why do you look so sad?
Three-year-old: *sigh* I just really love to eat. – @mom_tho

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Raising HandPhoto: Shutterstock

Attention, Please!

Three-year-old: Can I tell you a question?
Me: You’d fit in well at an academic talk. – @jessicacalarco

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Mom Wagging Finger At SonPhoto: Shutterstock

Do As I Say…

A dark day for parents is when their child learns what “hypocrite” means. – @rodlacroix

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Boy Jumping On BedPhoto: Shutterstock

Aim For the Moon

Self-confidence is my four-year-old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps. – @henpeckedhal

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Family DabbingPhoto: Shutterstock

Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

Me, to my eight-year-old: Why do you watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games when you could play them yourself?
Eight-year-old: Well, why do you watch TikTok videos of people dancing when you could do the dances yourself? – @six_pack_mom

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Sleeping Little BoyPhoto: Shutterstock

Fit For a King

During quarantine, when everyone was stuck at home, I decided it was time to replace our 10-year-old mattresses. I asked my husband, “What size is Danny’s mattress?”

“Queen?” he replied.

I pointed out that our mattress was a queen and that of our son, Danny, had to be smaller. Danny piped up, “I’m pretty sure it’s a prince.” – Marjorie Murphy, Toronto

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Thumbs UpPhoto: Shutterstock

As Easy as Thumb, Two, Three

I was teaching my three-year-old, Becky, how to count to 10 using my fingers. After a few minutes, I got a little frustrated with her. I started one more time and put up my thumb. “What number is this, Becky?” I asked.

She replied, “Thumb!” – Cindy Giles, Coalhurst, Alberta

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Eating TacosPhoto: Shutterstock

Just Because

My four-year-old just asked why she can’t eat tacos every day, and honestly, I think I’d have an easier time explaining where babies come from. – @sarabellab123

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Baby RattlePhoto: Shutterstock

Life Lessons We Lost Along the Way

I admire how when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it. – @mixedmediapaper

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Girl Hates VacuumPhoto: Shutterstock

Early Warning System

My daughter just told me that she checks my location on my phone in order to determine when she’s going to start on chores. – @tmikamouse

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Kid Performing With MicrophonePhoto: Shutterstock

Here For the Applause

I made the grievous mistake of laughing at my five-year-old’s joke, so now I must hear that joke repeatedly until I die. – @thecatwhisprer

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Funny Parenting Tweets - Little Girl Waking UpPhoto: Shutterstock

Speed of Light

Me: Go back to bed.
Six-year-old: It’s time to get up.
Me: It’s still dark outside.
Six-year-old: I’m faster than the sun. – @xplodingunicorn

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Shredded colby-Monterey Jack cheesePhoto: Shutterstock

Cheesin’

My four-year-old just brought me a block of Colby-Jack cheese and asked for a piece of party cheese. —@wildrainbow2

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Woman filling up her car at a gas stationPhoto: Shutterstock

Renewable Fuels

My two-year-old thinks that cars fill up on soup at the gas station, and now I’m really sad it’s not true. —@ThatMummyLife

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Breakfast fruitPhoto: Shutterstock

All-Day Breakfast

My four-year-old just looked up from her breakfast and said, “Uh, Daddy, I ordered fruit, too.” So there’s at least one dine-in restaurant still in operation during quarantine. —@TheCatWhisprer

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Cute Asian boyPhoto: Shutterstock

Free Will

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
Five-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
Five-year-old: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants. —@Lhlodder

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Cute toddlerPhoto: Shutterstock

Is This Real Life?

Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors. —@HomeWithPeanut

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Cute baby posing with baby clothesPhoto: Shutterstock

Custom-Made

Why do baby clothes have pockets? Are people really going up to babies and saying, “Hey, can you hold this for a second?” —@Y2SHAF

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Proud father with his infant sonPhoto: Shutterstock

Welcome to Parenting

Your choices are:
A) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because you opened their fruit snack.
B) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because they don’t know how to open their fruit snack. —@momtribevibe

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Four-year-old boyPhoto: Shutterstock

How to Stop Littering

My four-year-old threw a wrapper on the floor. I told him to pick it up and put it where it belonged. He put it in my purse. —@mommajessiec

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Mom cooking food with young daughterPhoto: Shutterstock

Sleep Deprivation

Co-worker: You look tired.
Me: (Remembering that at 2 a.m. I had to explain to a crying three-year-old that just because it was snowing did not mean it was Christmas.) No idea why. —@mom_tho

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Smiling toddlerPhoto: Shutterstock

Slang Words

When my kid was a toddler, my sister tried to teach him to say, “What’s up, homie?” He couldn’t pronounce it, so he went around for like six months saying, “What’s up, pony?” —@anne_theriault

Test your knowledge of these Canadian slang terms!

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Young boy solving math equationsPhoto: Shutterstock

Math Wiz

There’s going to be a point in my life when my son looks up at me and thinks, “Gee, my mom knows everything!” Then he’ll get to sixth grade math class, and I’ll say, “Well, kid, this is where we part ways.” —@HannahEinbinder

These hard math problems might just make your head spin!

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Female babysitter playing with young little girlPhoto: Shutterstock

Girls and Boys

The little girl I’m babysitting just asked me if I have a boyfriend. I said, “Not anymore,” and she said, “Boyfriends are a waste of time.” Then she turned to her brother and told him, “You’re gonna be a waste of time.” —@itsmadimay

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Toy foodPhoto: Shutterstock

Make-Believe

Sorry, I can’t come down for real dinner yet. I have to finish the fake meal my toddler is slowly cooking for me. —@WalkingOutside

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Four uncooked sausages on paperPhoto: Shutterstock

Old-Time Home Remedies

My five-year-old wrapped a sausage around my finger and called it a Band-Aid. Needless to say, he’s become my personal physician. —@dad_on_my_feet

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Tea kettle, honey and tea cup in kitchen conceptPhoto: Shutterstock

Home Cook

My kid: Can you make me some tea?
Me: I think you’re old enough to make it.
Me, 10 minutes later, cleaning honey off every kitchen surface: Ok, you were right. —@RodLacroix

Don’t miss these hilarious photos of dogs working from home.

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Little girl looking through telescopePhoto: Shutterstock

Modern-Day Galileo

Eight-year-old: Mom, I want to study pastrami.
Me: Why, honey?
Eight-year-old: I’m just super interested in the stars. —@pro_worrier_

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Forest landscapePhoto: Shutterstock

Thought Experiment

If you open a candy wrapper in the middle of a forest with nobody around, how long until your children show up and ask what you’re eating? —@mommajessiec

These bad dad jokes from Twitter will make you LOL!

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Funny little girl with fake glasses writing in a journalPhoto: Shutterstock

My Quotable Kid

My four-year-old has been carrying a small notebook around all day. She opens it, writes small scribbles and quickly closes it back up. She’s calling it her “secret diarrhea.” Maybe someday I’ll correct her, but definitely not today. —@momtransparent1

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Plain white bagel cut in halfPhoto: Shutterstock

Breakfast Problems

Have kids so that someone can ask you to cut up their bagel and then ask you to put it back together. —@OhioMomoftwo

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SpongeBob SquarePants toysPhoto: Lazaros Papandreou/Shutterstock

Mind = Blown

My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me that “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun

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Young daughter kissing mom outdoorsPhoto: Shutterstock

Too Clingy

Me: Mommy just needs a little space right now.

Child [perched on top of my head]: Why? —@LurkAtHomeMom

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Daughter kissing mother while wearing paper crownsPhoto: Shutterstock

An Almost-Compliment

My daughter just asked me if I was 22. I said, “No, I’m 37.” Then she asked if I’m actually her grandma. —@UnfilteredMama

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Happy mother and her young sonPhoto: Shutterstock

He Said, She Said

“… and then Mommy turned into a big mountain where the princess and the dragon had a party!” –My four-year-old explaining how I fell asleep in the middle of our game. —@bunandleggings

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Cute toddler smilingPhoto: Shutterstock

The “Why” Phase

Please respect our privacy at this difficult time while we deal with our toddler, who has just entered the “Why?” phase. —@whinecheezit

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Mother and her cute toddlerPhoto: Shutterstock

You’ve Got a Friend in Me

“You’re just like me: trash!” –My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 to strangers on the street. —@dadthatwrites

On that note, here are the best Halloween movies for kids!

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Tomato ketchupPhoto: Shutterstock

The Horror, the Horror

Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it. —@threetimedaddy

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Mother and daughter cookingPhoto: Shutterstock

A Day in the Life

Yesterday, my four-year-old and I painted pictures, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and watched a movie. Or, as she described it to her teacher: “I picked up a dead bug and mommy yelled at me.” —@stayathomies

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Funny parenting tweets - surprised toddlerPhoto: Shutterstock

Hosts With the Most

How my family preps for guests:
Me: *Tidies up.*
Husband: *Fires up the barbecue.*
Toddler: *Removes all clothing.* —@jannakilimnik

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Funny parenting tweets - peanut butter sandwichPhoto: Shutterstock

Goldilocks Strikes Back

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *Makes new sandwich.*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *Makes one just right.*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore. —@mommajessiec

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Funny parenting tweets - moon in night skyPhoto: Shutterstock

Over the Moon

Today my four-year-old asked me, “Daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?” —@thecatwhisprer

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Funny parenting tweets - kid at grocery storePhoto: Shutterstock

Eagle Eyes

Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines. —@rodlacroix

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Funny parenting tweets - tired kid sleeping at deskPhoto: Shutterstock

What is a Weekend?

Me: Get yourself ready for school.
Five-year-old: Why?
Me: It’s Monday.
Five-year-old: Can’t we just do Sunday again? —@Xplodingunicorn

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Funny parenting tweets - disco ballPhoto: Shutterstock

We’ll Need to See the Menu

My daughter is in her first year of middle school and I asked if she’s planning to go to any of the dances. She said, “Only if there’s going to be food.” —@Valeegrrl

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Funny parenting tweets - man scared in bedPhoto: Shutterstock

(Un)Pleasant Dreams

My kid just said good nightmare instead of good night, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening. —@Daddydoubts

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Angry young girl - funny parenting tweetsPhoto: Shutterstock

Hell Hath No Fury

There is nothing quite like being condescended to by a four-year-old with her shoes on the wrong feet. —@Thecatwhisperer

Check out the best jokes from Canada’s top comedians.

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Little girl jumping on bed - funny parenting TweetsPhoto: Shutterstock

Role Model

The girl I babysit: I want to be tall and skinny when I grow up.
Me, realizing the damage society does to young girls but too tired to correct her: Me too.
Girl: Like Abraham Lincoln. —@Haleyflynnstead

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Funny parenting Tweets - kid eating sandwichPhoto: Shutterstock

How Could You?

When you mindlessly cut your kid’s sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you. —@Henpeckedhal

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Funny parenting tweets - Stirring potPhoto: Shutterstock

No Compliments to the Chef

Seven-year-old: Can I have a snack?
Me: No, you’ll ruin your dinner.
Seven-year-old: I thought that was your job. —@Xplodingunicorn

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Funny parenting tweets - Kid hates foodPhoto: Shutterstock

Future’s Looking Bright

My kid just called romaine lettuce “gross kale” so the next batch of humans is coming alone nicely, thanks for asking. —@Lifeattiffanys

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Funny parenting tweets - At the drive thru windowPhoto: Shutterstock

At the Drive-Thru Window…

Toddler: Can I say hi?
Me: Aww that’s sweet.
*Rolls down window*
Toddler: Two milkshakes, please! —@Dadzzzasleep

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Funny parenting tweets - Getting photo takenPhoto: Shutterstock

Why So Serious?

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school pictures?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: Okay, I get it. —@Moooooog35

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Funny parenting tweets - Boy yellingPhoto: Shutterstock

At Ease, Soldier

My son announces that he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he were off to war. —@Junejuly12

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Funny parenting Tweets - kids in a poolPhoto: Shutterstock

Some Amenities Are Essential…

Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool. —@Petricksara

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Funny parenting Tweets - t-rex dinosaur toyPhoto: Shutterstock

Definitely Deductible

If my kids’ toys come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes. —@Pittdave13

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Funny parenting tweets - Cow lickingPhoto: Shutterstock

When Kids Write Jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
A cow.
Okay, come in. —@KidsWriteJokes

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Funny parenting Tweets - Grumpy little girlPhoto: Shutterstock

Enough is Enough

Seven-year-old: Everybody needs to go home right now. —@XplodingUnicorn

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Funny parenting Tweets - young boy listeningPhoto: Shutterstock

Lost in Translation

Me: You’re amazing!
Four-year-old: I’m not a raisin! —@LaGuardiaCross

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Funny parenting Tweets - Mother and young daughterPhoto: Shutterstock

Magic Moment

Four-year-old: Mommy, what if you never would have had kids?
Me: Then I wouldn’t know how much I was missing. You make me better. You help me love more deeply than I ever thought I could. You fill me with joy and pride. I’m thankful for you and I’m so happy you’re here!
Four-year-old: I’m gonna toot. —@MyMomologue

Check out more hilarious tweets that are guaranteed to make you grin!

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Family on couchPhoto: Shutterstock

Wake Up Call

I don’t know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this age, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at 5:45 a.m. was almost definitely not a part of it. —@DadandBuried

Don’t miss these hilariously awkward family photos!

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Kids doing gymnasticsPhoto: Shutterstock

Toe Trouble

Six-year-old: [yelling] Mom! I stubbed my foot thumb!
Me: Your what?
Six-year-old: My foot thumb! [points to big toe]
Me: Oh, your BIG toe!
Six-year-old: WHATEVER! —@DomesticGoddss

These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.

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Kid in sinkPhoto: Shutterstock

When the Tub is Too Far

Me: What are you doing?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath.
Me: Why are you in the sink?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath!
Me: …
Three-year-old: …
Me: Remember to wash your hair. —@ParentNormal

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Kid eating pastaPhoto: Shutterstock

Farm to Table

Three-year-old: Can we go to the farm for lunch?
Me: …
Three-year-old: Daddy takes us to the farm.
Me: Um, do you mean McDonalds?
Three-year-old: Yes. —@andwhatamom

These funny photos of farm animals will leave you smiling.

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Mom and child outside schoolPhoto: Shutterstock

Fair Enough

My son’s begging to be home schooled so he can “take a really long lunch break,” and, like, that’s valid. —@ValeeGrrl

Want to sound smart? Make sure these clever jokes are in your arsenal.

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Kid outsidePhoto: Shutterstock

A New Name

My two-year-old referred to her coat pockets as “snack holes,” and this is what I shall forever call them. —@RebeccaCaprara

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kids jokes sunsetPhoto: Shutterstock

Two Left Feet

Our six-year-old does a lot of trash talking for someone who puts his shoes on the wrong feet 30 per cent of the time. —@dad_in_brief

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kids jokes high fivePhoto: Shutterstock

Time is a Construct

Sorry we’re late. I let my kid tie his own shoes. —@Mom_Overboard

Check out these unbelievably cute photos of kids in the great outdoors.

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kids jokes ask momPhoto: Shutterstock

Unsolved Mysteries

If I, as a mom, don’t know where something is in this house, it means it’s gone forever. —@momtruths2btold

Don’t miss these hilarious examples of irony in real life.

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kids jokes stressed dadPhoto: Shutterstock

Strange Habits

I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time. —@PetrickSara

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kids jokes knocked outPhoto: Shutterstock

No Rest for the Wicked

Friend: What’s that thing where you’re always tired but can never get rest?
Me: Parenthood. —@MyMomologue

We’ve rounded up the funniest Canadian headlines of all time.

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Vintage telephonePhoto: Shutterstock

A Real Relic

Seven-year-old: “Wow, this must be an antique! It’s from way back in the 1900s!”
Me: “Okay, calm down. It’s from 1997.” —@maughammom

Take a look at the 50+ things everyone had in their house in the ’90s.

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kids jokes bakingPhoto: Shutterstock

Picky Eaters

My favourite thing about buying food in bulk is when my kids immediately decide that they now hate that food. —@bluebonetbabies

Watch out for the things you should never say to a Canadian.

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kids jokes comic foot downPhoto: Shutterstock

Three Stars

She poops too much: my son’s review of his new baby sister. —@UnfilteredMama

Forty comedians reveal their favourite jokes ever!

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kid jokes heroesPhoto: Shutterstock

Practice Makes Perfect

Prepare your spouse for parent­hood by waking them up at 3 a.m. to tell them it’s not raining and then demand some cheese. —@MacgyveringM22

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kids jokes allowancePhoto: Shutterstock

Pressing Matters

Real question my kids got out of bed to ask me: “Mom, do you have any twigs I can use?” —@ashleyaustrew

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kids jokes bookPhoto: Shutterstock

A Love of Literature

Six-year-old: *checks out another Star Wars book from the school library*
Me: Why do you always get Star Wars books?
Six-year-old: I only read the classics. —@Xplodingunicorn

These corny Stars Wars jokes can be used for any occasion!

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kids jokes face drawingPhoto: Shutterstock

Personal Chef

Before having kids:
“I am NEVER making separate meals for my children.”
Four years later: “Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.” —@bretjturner

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kids jokes comic mom ladderPhoto: Shutterstock

Fish have Feelings

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish.
[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to break from reality.]
Son: [Suddenly stops] Wait. Have I ever had fish? —@DadandBuried

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kids jokes costumePhoto: Shutterstock

Call Steve Irwin

Recently, a little boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, “Hi! I am Alligator” and pretended to eat the other kid with his arms. I have never been prouder. —@karencheee

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Tweets about parentingPhoto: Shutterstock

A New Godzilla

My four-year-old is insisting he’ll only eat “monster food,” and whatever that is, it’s definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just made. —@Dadpression

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kids jokes mess upPhoto: Shutterstock

A Personalized Bath

My friend Luke didn’t realize until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature. He thought it was just a term his mom used to describe his bathwater. —@Adam__Melia

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kids jokes education carPhoto: Shutterstock

Door Jam

In my experience, when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 more times by a small child. —@mommajessiec

You won’t believe the strangest things mechanics have found in cars!

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kids jokes what we didPhoto: Shutterstock

Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk

Four-year-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.
Me: A little or a lot?
Four-year-old: A tiny bit.
Me: Okay.
Four-year-old: But that tiny bit went everywhere. —@Distracted_Dad

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kids jokes icecreamPhoto: Shutterstock

Public Enemy

I told my daughter that showing her chewed-up food to her brother in public is gross, and she said, “Well I’m not here for the people.” —Saladin Ahmed, writer

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kids jokes cutoutsPhoto: Shutterstock

Eat Your Veggies

“The carrots are working!”—My six-year-old son, finding his shoes in a dark room. —@whatbabytalk

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kids jokes spaghetti kidPhoto: Shutterstock

Make It Rain

*Making macaroni and cheese*
Five-year-old: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you very carefully pour this in?
Five-year-old: *Just waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding* —@copymama

Celebrate the joys of gastronomy with these amazing movies about cooking.

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kids jokes balletPhoto: Shutterstock

No Paparazzi, Please!

Me to a kid in the elevator holding a stuffed pig: Hey! Is that a pig?
Kid: He doesn’t like you.
Me: How can I make him like me?
Kid: If you stop asking questions. —Helen Rosner, food writer

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kids-jokes-bad-boyPhoto: Shutterstock

A Real Bad Boy

One of the weirdest things people would ask me when my kid was younger was, “Is he a good baby?”
Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I’m not looking. —Anne Thériault, writer

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kids jokes paint kidPhoto: Shutterstock

Roll With It

Today my child is upset by “All the stuff that doesn’t have wheels.” —@MyMomologue

We guarantee you’ll be able to relate to these funny Tweets about technology!

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kids jokes baby computerPhoto: Shutterstock

On Repeat

If you’re on the fence about having kids, I suggest you listen to the same YouTube clip for five days straight, then see how you feel. —@ramblinma

Get ready to reminisce with these hilariously awkward first kiss stories.

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kid jokes cake facePhoto: Shutterstock

Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too

Three-year-old: *face covered in frosting*
Me: Were you eating cake?
Three-year-old: No. I just kissed it. —@XplodingUnicorn

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kids joke unicyclePhoto: Shutterstock

Animals are Friends

[Making pigs in a blanket]
Six-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
Six-year-old: Nobody you know in a blanket. —@XplodingUnicorn

Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures.

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kids jokes comic tunnelPhoto: Shutterstock

Future Biologist

Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.
Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only body parts that have a pit?
Me: Just go to sleep. —@Pork_Chop_Hair

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kids jokes broccoliPhoto: Shutterstock

Strange Cookbook

Eight-year-old: How come you only cook food that I hate?
Me: Well, for starters, I keep a secret recipe book called Meals Kids Hate.
Eight-year-old: …
Me: …
Eight-year-old: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it! —@LurkAtHomeMom

From tips to misunderstandings, these hilarious food Tweets will make you… hungry.

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kids jokes climbingPhoto: Shutterstock

Conspiracy Theorist

The best joke I heard this week was from my 11-year-old nephew: “Gender was invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.” —@waxpancake

Don’t miss these bad jokes that you can’t help but laugh at.

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kids joke math problemPhoto: Shutterstock

Philosopher in the Making

My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun

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kids jokes work kidPhoto: Shutterstock

Mr. Know-It-All

Me: Time for bed.
Four-year-old: No, it’s not.
Me: You can’t tell time.
Four-year-old: I can tell you’re wrong. —@XplodingUnicorn

Check out these adorable pictures of dogs dressed for work.

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kid jokes messy kidPhoto: Shutterstock

Strange Stalker

Sometimes I miss having a toddler, but then I hear one throwing a tantrum because “The moon keeps following me,” and I think, “Yeah, I’m good.” —@FatherWithTwins

You won’t want to miss these hilarious light bulb jokes.

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kids jokes dad studyPhoto: Shutterstock

Helping Hand

Me, the first time my kid tries to help out: “Oh, that’s so nice. Thank you.”
Me, every other time since: “Pal, get out of the dishwasher. We need to leave in less than an hour.” —@thedad

Up your humour game with these hilarious short jokes.

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kids jokes bearsPhoto: Shutterstock

Condiment Lover

Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.
Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact. —@KateWhineHall

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kids jokes egg saladPhoto: Shutterstock

A Message From Beyond the Grave

Me: *dies*
My kids: *using the Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R? —@Carbosly

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kids jokes partyPhoto: Shutterstock

Guessing Game

A children’s birthday party game: guess which guests are contagious. —@PetrickSara

These jokes about birthdays are guaranteed to get a laugh!

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kids jokes pushupPhoto: Shutterstock

Daily Motivation

Instead of brushing her teeth like I asked, my five-year-old went to the bathroom, lay down in front of the toilet and took a nap. I guess what I’m trying to say is she’s my new life coach. —@daddysdigest

Get through the week with these funny jokes about work.

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kids jokes collegePhoto: Shutterstock

Back-Handed Compliment

Daughter: What’s nostalgia?
Wife: It’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[Later] Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: Aww, we missed you!
Daughter: [whispering] Nostalgia. —@NewDadNotes

Looking for more laughs? Check out the funniest Reader’s Digest jokes ever.

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Photo: Shutterstock

Hamper Damper

How to stay on top of the laundry when you have two or more kids:
1. You can’t.
2. Find a new dream. —@MacgyveringM22

If you enjoyed these funny parenting tweets, you won’t want to miss our roundup of the best Canadian jokes of all time.

Reader's Digest Canada
Originally Published in Reader's Digest Canada