100+ Funny Tweets Every Parent Can Relate To
Parenting is both challenging and rewarding—and sometimes very, very funny. These totally relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.
Photo: Ummi Hassian / Shutterstock.com
My five-year-old-son loves YouTube and seems to think that “Please subscribe to my channel” is a way to say goodbye. —@emisheep
The writing’s on the wall/table
Kids get all shocked when you figure out they did something wrong. “Mom, how did you know I coloured on the table?” Because you wrote your name on it. —@fiveoclockmommy
Genius in the making
My wife is a teacher, and apparently one student has been changing his name to “Reconnecting” during the Zoom lessons so he doesn’t get asked any questions. He’s been doing it for weeks. The lad doesn’t need to worry about his education—he’s already a genius. —@chrisarnoldinc
Wait until career day
Me: What do you want to do when you grow up?
Four-year-old: I want to drink beer.
Me: No, like, what do you want to be?
Four-year-old: A beer drinker. —@daddydoubts
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning. She hates bananas. —@pro_worrier_
After my daughter refused to get dressed, I lost my temper and told her she couldn’t come downstairs until she’d changed out of her pyjamas.
She then changed into another pair of pyjamas. —@dara_bhur_gcara
He’ll get back to you on that
Today I asked a kindergartner if Friday was his favourite day of the week. His response: “I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things. I’m confused all the time.” —@donomo
A worthy sacrifice
My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school, and I told her that it’s against the law and I could go to jail. She then looked me in the eyes and said: “I’ll visit you.” —@ceciatl
They grow up so fast
While at a department store, I noticed a girl stare longingly at the stuffed animals and say, “I wish I was still a kid.”
Her dad, standing next to her, replied: “You’re 10.” —@handlebrandle
A wrinkle in his plans
While I was lying next to my four-year-old, he looked into my eyes, parted my hair to the side and said, “Mommy, I can’t rub the lines out of your face.” —@muminbits
Care to prove that?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
- He invented the “thumbs up.”
- Only “some” lizards can read.
- He forgot how to eat carrots.
- His daycare allows swords. —@henpeckedhal
My seven-year-old drew a self-portrait, gift it to herself and hung it up on her wall. From now on, I’m making her my life coach. —@gfishandnuggets
So that’s where he went
When asked by a friend at daycare why she has two moms, my four-year-old answered that her dad was eaten by a shark. —@bakekater
My six-year-old: I figured out the password to the tablet and bypassed the parental controls to download all my shows.
Also my six-year-old: Help! I put both my legs in the same pant hole and now I’m stuck! —@not_thenanny
If you’ve ever provided tech support for your own parents, you’ll relate to this hilarious story.
A brief history of my 11-year-old’s attitude toward wearing shorts:
School in winter: Shorts
Walking the dog on a wet and windy day: Shorts
Expedition to the North Pole: Shorts
Voyage the the moon: Shorts —@threetimedaddy
The Laws of Kid Physics
A typical cup holds about eight ounces of liquid. But if a child spills it, that number increases to eight gallons. – @homewithpeanut
The Long and Shorts of It
My toddler demanded shorts, and now he’s crying that they’re broken because they don’t cover his legs. – @snarkymomtobe
Six-year-old: *Flips to the end of the calendar*
Me: What are you doing?
Six-year-old: I want to know what happens. – @xplodingunicorn
The magical thing about toddlers is they can be mid-tantrum and seamlessly cut to the best performance of “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” you’ve ever seen. – @thatmummylife
My four-year-old used the phrase “a long time ago today” to describe something that happened this morning, and it’s probably the most accurate description I’ve ever heard. – @thecatwhisprer
Betcha Can’t Have Just One
Me: What do you want for lunch?
Three-year-old: A pickle.
Me: A pickle is not a meal.
Three-year-old: Two pickles. – @daddydoubts
Tomb With a View
My daughter just called a cemetery a “person garden.” I’m not sure what she thinks is going on there. – @java_assassin
Life is Tough
Me: Why do you look so sad?
Three-year-old: *sigh* I just really love to eat. – @mom_tho
Three-year-old: Can I tell you a question?
Me: You’d fit in well at an academic talk. – @jessicacalarco
Do As I Say…
A dark day for parents is when their child learns what “hypocrite” means. – @rodlacroix
Aim For the Moon
Self-confidence is my four-year-old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps. – @henpeckedhal
Dance Like Nobody’s Watching
Me, to my eight-year-old: Why do you watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games when you could play them yourself?
Eight-year-old: Well, why do you watch TikTok videos of people dancing when you could do the dances yourself? – @six_pack_mom
Fit For a King
During quarantine, when everyone was stuck at home, I decided it was time to replace our 10-year-old mattresses. I asked my husband, “What size is Danny’s mattress?”
“Queen?” he replied.
I pointed out that our mattress was a queen and that of our son, Danny, had to be smaller. Danny piped up, “I’m pretty sure it’s a prince.” – Marjorie Murphy, Toronto
As Easy as Thumb, Two, Three
I was teaching my three-year-old, Becky, how to count to 10 using my fingers. After a few minutes, I got a little frustrated with her. I started one more time and put up my thumb. “What number is this, Becky?” I asked.
She replied, “Thumb!” – Cindy Giles, Coalhurst, Alberta
My four-year-old just asked why she can’t eat tacos every day, and honestly, I think I’d have an easier time explaining where babies come from. – @sarabellab123
Life Lessons We Lost Along the Way
I admire how when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it. – @mixedmediapaper
Early Warning System
My daughter just told me that she checks my location on my phone in order to determine when she’s going to start on chores. – @tmikamouse
Here For the Applause
I made the grievous mistake of laughing at my five-year-old’s joke, so now I must hear that joke repeatedly until I die. – @thecatwhisprer
Speed of Light
Me: Go back to bed.
Six-year-old: It’s time to get up.
Me: It’s still dark outside.
Six-year-old: I’m faster than the sun. – @xplodingunicorn
My four-year-old just brought me a block of Colby-Jack cheese and asked for a piece of party cheese. —@wildrainbow2
My two-year-old thinks that cars fill up on soup at the gas station, and now I’m really sad it’s not true. —@ThatMummyLife
My four-year-old just looked up from her breakfast and said, “Uh, Daddy, I ordered fruit, too.” So there’s at least one dine-in restaurant still in operation during quarantine. —@TheCatWhisprer
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
Me: Then why did you?
Five-year-old: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants. —@Lhlodder
Is This Real Life?
Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors. —@HomeWithPeanut
Why do baby clothes have pockets? Are people really going up to babies and saying, “Hey, can you hold this for a second?” —@Y2SHAF
Welcome to Parenting
Your choices are:
A) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because you opened their fruit snack.
B) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because they don’t know how to open their fruit snack. —@momtribevibe
How to Stop Littering
My four-year-old threw a wrapper on the floor. I told him to pick it up and put it where it belonged. He put it in my purse. —@mommajessiec
Co-worker: You look tired.
Me: (Remembering that at 2 a.m. I had to explain to a crying three-year-old that just because it was snowing did not mean it was Christmas.) No idea why. —@mom_tho
When my kid was a toddler, my sister tried to teach him to say, “What’s up, homie?” He couldn’t pronounce it, so he went around for like six months saying, “What’s up, pony?” —@anne_theriault
Test your knowledge of these Canadian slang terms!
There’s going to be a point in my life when my son looks up at me and thinks, “Gee, my mom knows everything!” Then he’ll get to sixth grade math class, and I’ll say, “Well, kid, this is where we part ways.” —@HannahEinbinder
These hard math problems might just make your head spin!
Girls and Boys
The little girl I’m babysitting just asked me if I have a boyfriend. I said, “Not anymore,” and she said, “Boyfriends are a waste of time.” Then she turned to her brother and told him, “You’re gonna be a waste of time.” —@itsmadimay
Sorry, I can’t come down for real dinner yet. I have to finish the fake meal my toddler is slowly cooking for me. —@WalkingOutside
Old-Time Home Remedies
My five-year-old wrapped a sausage around my finger and called it a Band-Aid. Needless to say, he’s become my personal physician. —@dad_on_my_feet
My kid: Can you make me some tea?
Me: I think you’re old enough to make it.
Me, 10 minutes later, cleaning honey off every kitchen surface: Ok, you were right. —@RodLacroix
Don’t miss these hilarious photos of dogs working from home.
Eight-year-old: Mom, I want to study pastrami.
Me: Why, honey?
Eight-year-old: I’m just super interested in the stars. —@pro_worrier_
If you open a candy wrapper in the middle of a forest with nobody around, how long until your children show up and ask what you’re eating? —@mommajessiec
These bad dad jokes from Twitter will make you LOL!
My Quotable Kid
My four-year-old has been carrying a small notebook around all day. She opens it, writes small scribbles and quickly closes it back up. She’s calling it her “secret diarrhea.” Maybe someday I’ll correct her, but definitely not today. —@momtransparent1
Have kids so that someone can ask you to cut up their bagel and then ask you to put it back together. —@OhioMomoftwo
Mind = Blown
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me that “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
Me: Mommy just needs a little space right now.
Child [perched on top of my head]: Why? —@LurkAtHomeMom
My daughter just asked me if I was 22. I said, “No, I’m 37.” Then she asked if I’m actually her grandma. —@UnfilteredMama
He Said, She Said
“… and then Mommy turned into a big mountain where the princess and the dragon had a party!” –My four-year-old explaining how I fell asleep in the middle of our game. —@bunandleggings
The “Why” Phase
Please respect our privacy at this difficult time while we deal with our toddler, who has just entered the “Why?” phase. —@whinecheezit
You’ve Got a Friend in Me
“You’re just like me: trash!” –My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 to strangers on the street. —@dadthatwrites
On that note, here are the best Halloween movies for kids!
The Horror, the Horror
Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it. —@threetimedaddy
A Day in the Life
Yesterday, my four-year-old and I painted pictures, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and watched a movie. Or, as she described it to her teacher: “I picked up a dead bug and mommy yelled at me.” —@stayathomies
Hosts With the Most
How my family preps for guests:
Me: *Tidies up.*
Husband: *Fires up the barbecue.*
Toddler: *Removes all clothing.* —@jannakilimnik
Goldilocks Strikes Back
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *Makes new sandwich.*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *Makes one just right.*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore. —@mommajessiec
Over the Moon
Today my four-year-old asked me, “Daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?” —@thecatwhisprer
Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines. —@rodlacroix
What is a Weekend?
Me: Get yourself ready for school.
Me: It’s Monday.
Five-year-old: Can’t we just do Sunday again? —@Xplodingunicorn
We’ll Need to See the Menu
My daughter is in her first year of middle school and I asked if she’s planning to go to any of the dances. She said, “Only if there’s going to be food.” —@Valeegrrl
My kid just said good nightmare instead of good night, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening. —@Daddydoubts
Hell Hath No Fury
There is nothing quite like being condescended to by a four-year-old with her shoes on the wrong feet. —@Thecatwhisperer
Check out the best jokes from Canada’s top comedians.
The girl I babysit: I want to be tall and skinny when I grow up.
Me, realizing the damage society does to young girls but too tired to correct her: Me too.
Girl: Like Abraham Lincoln. —@Haleyflynnstead
How Could You?
When you mindlessly cut your kid’s sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you. —@Henpeckedhal
No Compliments to the Chef
Seven-year-old: Can I have a snack?
Me: No, you’ll ruin your dinner.
Seven-year-old: I thought that was your job. —@Xplodingunicorn
Future’s Looking Bright
My kid just called romaine lettuce “gross kale” so the next batch of humans is coming alone nicely, thanks for asking. —@Lifeattiffanys
At the Drive-Thru Window…
Toddler: Can I say hi?
Me: Aww that’s sweet.
*Rolls down window*
Toddler: Two milkshakes, please! —@Dadzzzasleep
Why So Serious?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school pictures?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: Okay, I get it. —@Moooooog35
At Ease, Soldier
My son announces that he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he were off to war. —@Junejuly12
Some Amenities Are Essential…
Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool. —@Petricksara
If my kids’ toys come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes. —@Pittdave13
When Kids Write Jokes
Okay, come in. —@KidsWriteJokes
Enough is Enough
Seven-year-old: Everybody needs to go home right now. —@XplodingUnicorn
Lost in Translation
Me: You’re amazing!
Four-year-old: I’m not a raisin! —@LaGuardiaCross
Four-year-old: Mommy, what if you never would have had kids?
Me: Then I wouldn’t know how much I was missing. You make me better. You help me love more deeply than I ever thought I could. You fill me with joy and pride. I’m thankful for you and I’m so happy you’re here!
Four-year-old: I’m gonna toot. —@MyMomologue
Check out more hilarious tweets that are guaranteed to make you grin!
Wake Up Call
I don’t know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this age, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at 5:45 a.m. was almost definitely not a part of it. —@DadandBuried
Don’t miss these hilariously awkward family photos!
Six-year-old: [yelling] Mom! I stubbed my foot thumb!
Me: Your what?
Six-year-old: My foot thumb! [points to big toe]
Me: Oh, your BIG toe!
Six-year-old: WHATEVER! —@DomesticGoddss
These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.
When the Tub is Too Far
Me: What are you doing?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath.
Me: Why are you in the sink?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath!
Me: Remember to wash your hair. —@ParentNormal
Farm to Table
Three-year-old: Can we go to the farm for lunch?
Three-year-old: Daddy takes us to the farm.
Me: Um, do you mean McDonalds?
Three-year-old: Yes. —@andwhatamom
These funny photos of farm animals will leave you smiling.
My son’s begging to be home schooled so he can “take a really long lunch break,” and, like, that’s valid. —@ValeeGrrl
Want to sound smart? Make sure these clever jokes are in your arsenal.
A New Name
My two-year-old referred to her coat pockets as “snack holes,” and this is what I shall forever call them. —@RebeccaCaprara
Two Left Feet
Our six-year-old does a lot of trash talking for someone who puts his shoes on the wrong feet 30 per cent of the time. —@dad_in_brief
Time is a Construct
Sorry we’re late. I let my kid tie his own shoes. —@Mom_Overboard
Check out these unbelievably cute photos of kids in the great outdoors.
If I, as a mom, don’t know where something is in this house, it means it’s gone forever. —@momtruths2btold
Don’t miss these hilarious examples of irony in real life.
I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time. —@PetrickSara
No Rest for the Wicked
Friend: What’s that thing where you’re always tired but can never get rest?
Me: Parenthood. —@MyMomologue
We’ve rounded up the funniest Canadian headlines of all time.
A Real Relic
Seven-year-old: “Wow, this must be an antique! It’s from way back in the 1900s!”
Me: “Okay, calm down. It’s from 1997.” —@maughammom
Take a look at the 50+ things everyone had in their house in the ’90s.
My favourite thing about buying food in bulk is when my kids immediately decide that they now hate that food. —@bluebonetbabies
Watch out for the things you should never say to a Canadian.
She poops too much: my son’s review of his new baby sister. —@UnfilteredMama
Practice Makes Perfect
Prepare your spouse for parenthood by waking them up at 3 a.m. to tell them it’s not raining and then demand some cheese. —@MacgyveringM22
Real question my kids got out of bed to ask me: “Mom, do you have any twigs I can use?” —@ashleyaustrew
A Love of Literature
Six-year-old: *checks out another Star Wars book from the school library*
Me: Why do you always get Star Wars books?
Six-year-old: I only read the classics. —@Xplodingunicorn
These corny Stars Wars jokes can be used for any occasion!
Before having kids:
“I am NEVER making separate meals for my children.”
Four years later: “Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.” —@bretjturner
Fish have Feelings
Son: What’s for dinner?
[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to break from reality.]
Son: [Suddenly stops] Wait. Have I ever had fish? —@DadandBuried
Call Steve Irwin
Recently, a little boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, “Hi! I am Alligator” and pretended to eat the other kid with his arms. I have never been prouder. —@karencheee
A New Godzilla
My four-year-old is insisting he’ll only eat “monster food,” and whatever that is, it’s definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just made. —@Dadpression
A Personalized Bath
My friend Luke didn’t realize until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature. He thought it was just a term his mom used to describe his bathwater. —@Adam__Melia
In my experience, when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 more times by a small child. —@mommajessiec
You won’t believe the strangest things mechanics have found in cars!
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk
Four-year-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.
Me: A little or a lot?
Four-year-old: A tiny bit.
Four-year-old: But that tiny bit went everywhere. —@Distracted_Dad
I told my daughter that showing her chewed-up food to her brother in public is gross, and she said, “Well I’m not here for the people.” —Saladin Ahmed, writer
Eat Your Veggies
“The carrots are working!”—My six-year-old son, finding his shoes in a dark room. —@whatbabytalk
Make It Rain
*Making macaroni and cheese*
Five-year-old: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you very carefully pour this in?
Five-year-old: *Just waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding* —@copymama
Celebrate the joys of gastronomy with these amazing movies about cooking.
No Paparazzi, Please!
Me to a kid in the elevator holding a stuffed pig: Hey! Is that a pig?
Kid: He doesn’t like you.
Me: How can I make him like me?
Kid: If you stop asking questions. —Helen Rosner, food writer
A Real Bad Boy
One of the weirdest things people would ask me when my kid was younger was, “Is he a good baby?”
Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I’m not looking. —Anne Thériault, writer
Roll With It
Today my child is upset by “All the stuff that doesn’t have wheels.” —@MyMomologue
We guarantee you’ll be able to relate to these funny Tweets about technology!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, I suggest you listen to the same YouTube clip for five days straight, then see how you feel. —@ramblinma
Get ready to reminisce with these hilariously awkward first kiss stories.
Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too
Three-year-old: *face covered in frosting*
Me: Were you eating cake?
Three-year-old: No. I just kissed it. —@XplodingUnicorn
Animals are Friends
[Making pigs in a blanket]
Six-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
Six-year-old: Nobody you know in a blanket. —@XplodingUnicorn
Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures.
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.
Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only body parts that have a pit?
Me: Just go to sleep. —@Pork_Chop_Hair
Eight-year-old: How come you only cook food that I hate?
Me: Well, for starters, I keep a secret recipe book called Meals Kids Hate.
Eight-year-old: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it! —@LurkAtHomeMom
From tips to misunderstandings, these hilarious food Tweets will make you… hungry.
The best joke I heard this week was from my 11-year-old nephew: “Gender was invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.” —@waxpancake
Don’t miss these bad jokes that you can’t help but laugh at.
Philosopher in the Making
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
Me: Time for bed.
Four-year-old: No, it’s not.
Me: You can’t tell time.
Four-year-old: I can tell you’re wrong. —@XplodingUnicorn
Check out these adorable pictures of dogs dressed for work.
Sometimes I miss having a toddler, but then I hear one throwing a tantrum because “The moon keeps following me,” and I think, “Yeah, I’m good.” —@FatherWithTwins
You won’t want to miss these hilarious light bulb jokes.
Me, the first time my kid tries to help out: “Oh, that’s so nice. Thank you.”
Me, every other time since: “Pal, get out of the dishwasher. We need to leave in less than an hour.” —@thedad
Up your humour game with these hilarious short jokes.
Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.
Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact. —@KateWhineHall
A Message From Beyond the Grave
My kids: *using the Ouija board*
A children’s birthday party game: guess which guests are contagious. —@PetrickSara
These jokes about birthdays are guaranteed to get a laugh!