100+ Funny Tweets Every Parent Can Relate To
Parenting is both challenging and rewarding—and sometimes very, very funny. These totally relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.
The Laws of Kid Physics
A typical cup holds about eight ounces of liquid. But if a child spills it, that number increases to eight gallons. – @homewithpeanut
The Long and Shorts of It
My toddler demanded shorts, and now he’s crying that they’re broken because they don’t cover his legs. – @snarkymomtobe
Six-year-old: *Flips to the end of the calendar*
Me: What are you doing?
Six-year-old: I want to know what happens. – @xplodingunicorn
The magical thing about toddlers is they can be mid-tantrum and seamlessly cut to the best performance of “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” you’ve ever seen. – @thatmummylife
My four-year-old used the phrase “a long time ago today” to describe something that happened this morning, and it’s probably the most accurate description I’ve ever heard. – @thecatwhisprer
Betcha Can’t Have Just One
Me: What do you want for lunch?
Three-year-old: A pickle.
Me: A pickle is not a meal.
Three-year-old: Two pickles. – @daddydoubts
Tomb With a View
My daughter just called a cemetery a “person garden.” I’m not sure what she thinks is going on there. – @java_assassin
Life is Tough
Me: Why do you look so sad?
Three-year-old: *sigh* I just really love to eat. – @mom_tho
Three-year-old: Can I tell you a question?
Me: You’d fit in well at an academic talk. – @jessicacalarco
Do As I Say…
A dark day for parents is when their child learns what “hypocrite” means. – @rodlacroix
Aim For the Moon
Self-confidence is my four-year-old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps. – @henpeckedhal
Dance Like Nobody’s Watching
Me, to my eight-year-old: Why do you watch YouTube videos of other people playing video games when you could play them yourself?
Eight-year-old: Well, why do you watch TikTok videos of people dancing when you could do the dances yourself? – @six_pack_mom
Fit For a King
During quarantine, when everyone was stuck at home, I decided it was time to replace our 10-year-old mattresses. I asked my husband, “What size is Danny’s mattress?”
“Queen?” he replied.
I pointed out that our mattress was a queen and that of our son, Danny, had to be smaller. Danny piped up, “I’m pretty sure it’s a prince.” – Marjorie Murphy, Toronto
As Easy as Thumb, Two, Three
I was teaching my three-year-old, Becky, how to count to 10 using my fingers. After a few minutes, I got a little frustrated with her. I started one more time and put up my thumb. “What number is this, Becky?” I asked.
She replied, “Thumb!” – Cindy Giles, Coalhurst, Alberta
My four-year-old just asked why she can’t eat tacos every day, and honestly, I think I’d have an easier time explaining where babies come from. – @sarabellab123
Life Lessons We Lost Along the Way
I admire how when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it. – @mixedmediapaper
Early Warning System
My daughter just told me that she checks my location on my phone in order to determine when she’s going to start on chores. – @tmikamouse
Here For the Applause
I made the grievous mistake of laughing at my five-year-old’s joke, so now I must hear that joke repeatedly until I die. – @thecatwhisprer
Speed of Light
Me: Go back to bed.
Six-year-old: It’s time to get up.
Me: It’s still dark outside.
Six-year-old: I’m faster than the sun. – @xplodingunicorn
My four-year-old just brought me a block of Colby-Jack cheese and asked for a piece of party cheese. —@wildrainbow2
My two-year-old thinks that cars fill up on soup at the gas station, and now I’m really sad it’s not true. —@ThatMummyLife
My four-year-old just looked up from her breakfast and said, “Uh, Daddy, I ordered fruit, too.” So there’s at least one dine-in restaurant still in operation during quarantine. —@TheCatWhisprer
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
Me: Then why did you?
Five-year-old: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants. —@Lhlodder
Is This Real Life?
Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors. —@HomeWithPeanut
Why do baby clothes have pockets? Are people really going up to babies and saying, “Hey, can you hold this for a second?” —@Y2SHAF
Welcome to Parenting
Your choices are:
A) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because you opened their fruit snack.
B) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because they don’t know how to open their fruit snack. —@momtribevibe
How to Stop Littering
My four-year-old threw a wrapper on the floor. I told him to pick it up and put it where it belonged. He put it in my purse. —@mommajessiec
Co-worker: You look tired.
Me: (Remembering that at 2 a.m. I had to explain to a crying three-year-old that just because it was snowing did not mean it was Christmas.) No idea why. —@mom_tho
There’s going to be a point in my life when my son looks up at me and thinks, “Gee, my mom knows everything!” Then he’ll get to sixth grade math class, and I’ll say, “Well, kid, this is where we part ways.” —@HannahEinbinder
These hard math problems might just make your head spin!
Girls and Boys
The little girl I’m babysitting just asked me if I have a boyfriend. I said, “Not anymore,” and she said, “Boyfriends are a waste of time.” Then she turned to her brother and told him, “You’re gonna be a waste of time.” —@itsmadimay
Sorry, I can’t come down for real dinner yet. I have to finish the fake meal my toddler is slowly cooking for me. —@WalkingOutside
Old-Time Home Remedies
My five-year-old wrapped a sausage around my finger and called it a Band-Aid. Needless to say, he’s become my personal physician. —@dad_on_my_feet
My kid: Can you make me some tea?
Me: I think you’re old enough to make it.
Me, 10 minutes later, cleaning honey off every kitchen surface: Ok, you were right. —@RodLacroix
Don’t miss these hilarious photos of dogs working from home.
Eight-year-old: Mom, I want to study pastrami.
Me: Why, honey?
Eight-year-old: I’m just super interested in the stars. —@pro_worrier_
If you open a candy wrapper in the middle of a forest with nobody around, how long until your children show up and ask what you’re eating? —@mommajessiec
These bad dad jokes from Twitter will make you LOL!
My Quotable Kid
My four-year-old has been carrying a small notebook around all day. She opens it, writes small scribbles and quickly closes it back up. She’s calling it her “secret diarrhea.” Maybe someday I’ll correct her, but definitely not today. —@momtransparent1
Have kids so that someone can ask you to cut up their bagel and then ask you to put it back together. —@OhioMomoftwo
Mind = Blown
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me that “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
Me: Mommy just needs a little space right now.
Child [perched on top of my head]: Why? —@LurkAtHomeMom
My daughter just asked me if I was 22. I said, “No, I’m 37.” Then she asked if I’m actually her grandma. —@UnfilteredMama
He Said, She Said
“… and then Mommy turned into a big mountain where the princess and the dragon had a party!” –My four-year-old explaining how I fell asleep in the middle of our game. —@bunandleggings
The “Why” Phase
Please respect our privacy at this difficult time while we deal with our toddler, who has just entered the “Why?” phase. —@whinecheezit
The Horror, the Horror
Sometimes I like to live dangerously by putting ketchup on my kid’s dinner plate without asking where they would like it. —@threetimedaddy
A Day in the Life
Yesterday, my four-year-old and I painted pictures, went to the park, played house, cooked dinner together and watched a movie. Or, as she described it to her teacher: “I picked up a dead bug and mommy yelled at me.” —@stayathomies
Goldilocks Strikes Back
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *Makes new sandwich.*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *Makes one just right.*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore. —@mommajessiec
Over the Moon
Today my four-year-old asked me, “Daddy, does the moon have a job or does it just sit there?” —@thecatwhisprer
Have kids so you always have someone to point out how long your nose hairs are while standing in checkout lines. —@rodlacroix
What is a Weekend?
Me: Get yourself ready for school.
Me: It’s Monday.
Five-year-old: Can’t we just do Sunday again? —@Xplodingunicorn
We’ll Need to See the Menu
My daughter is in her first year of middle school and I asked if she’s planning to go to any of the dances. She said, “Only if there’s going to be food.” —@Valeegrrl
My kid just said good nightmare instead of good night, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening. —@Daddydoubts
Hell Hath No Fury
There is nothing quite like being condescended to by a four-year-old with her shoes on the wrong feet. —@Thecatwhisperer
Check out the best jokes from Canada’s top comedians.
The girl I babysit: I want to be tall and skinny when I grow up.
Me, realizing the damage society does to young girls but too tired to correct her: Me too.
Girl: Like Abraham Lincoln. —@Haleyflynnstead
How Could You?
When you mindlessly cut your kid’s sandwich into squares instead of triangles and your whole world collapses around you. —@Henpeckedhal
No Compliments to the Chef
Seven-year-old: Can I have a snack?
Me: No, you’ll ruin your dinner.
Seven-year-old: I thought that was your job. —@Xplodingunicorn
Future’s Looking Bright
My kid just called romaine lettuce “gross kale” so the next batch of humans is coming alone nicely, thanks for asking. —@Lifeattiffanys
Why So Serious?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school pictures?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: Okay, I get it. —@Moooooog35
At Ease, Soldier
My son announces that he is going to empty the dishwasher with the same tone and tenor as if he were off to war. —@Junejuly12
Some Amenities Are Essential…
Planning a family vacation is mostly just making sure the hotel has a pool. —@Petricksara
If my kids’ toys come to life, I’m doing the sensible thing and claiming them on my taxes. —@Pittdave13
When Kids Write Jokes
Okay, come in. —@KidsWriteJokes
Enough is Enough
Seven-year-old: Everybody needs to go home right now. —@XplodingUnicorn
Lost in Translation
Me: You’re amazing!
Four-year-old: I’m not a raisin! —@LaGuardiaCross
Four-year-old: Mommy, what if you never would have had kids?
Me: Then I wouldn’t know how much I was missing. You make me better. You help me love more deeply than I ever thought I could. You fill me with joy and pride. I’m thankful for you and I’m so happy you’re here!
Four-year-old: I’m gonna toot. —@MyMomologue
Check out more hilarious tweets that are guaranteed to make you grin!
Wake Up Call
I don’t know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this age, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at 5:45 a.m. was almost definitely not a part of it. —@DadandBuried
Don’t miss these hilariously awkward family photos!
Six-year-old: [yelling] Mom! I stubbed my foot thumb!
Me: Your what?
Six-year-old: My foot thumb! [points to big toe]
Me: Oh, your BIG toe!
Six-year-old: WHATEVER! —@DomesticGoddss
These funny phrases are definitely worth memorizing.
When the Tub is Too Far
Me: What are you doing?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath.
Me: Why are you in the sink?
Three-year-old: Taking a bath!
Me: Remember to wash your hair. —@ParentNormal
My son’s begging to be home schooled so he can “take a really long lunch break,” and, like, that’s valid. —@ValeeGrrl
Want to sound smart? Make sure these clever jokes are in your arsenal.
A New Name
My two-year-old referred to her coat pockets as “snack holes,” and this is what I shall forever call them. —@RebeccaCaprara
Time is a Construct
Sorry we’re late. I let my kid tie his own shoes. —@Mom_Overboard
Check out these unbelievably cute photos of kids in the great outdoors.
If I, as a mom, don’t know where something is in this house, it means it’s gone forever. —@momtruths2btold
Don’t miss these hilarious examples of irony in real life.
I’m a parent. My hobbies include watching fresh produce rot in my fridge and telling my kids that they should have done what I asked the first time. —@PetrickSara
No Rest for the Wicked
Friend: What’s that thing where you’re always tired but can never get rest?
Me: Parenthood. —@MyMomologue
We’ve rounded up the funniest Canadian headlines of all time.
A Real Relic
Seven-year-old: “Wow, this must be an antique! It’s from way back in the 1900s!”
Me: “Okay, calm down. It’s from 1997.” —@maughammom
Take a look at the 50+ things everyone had in their house in the ’90s.
She poops too much: my son’s review of his new baby sister. —@UnfilteredMama
Practice Makes Perfect
Prepare your spouse for parenthood by waking them up at 3 a.m. to tell them it’s not raining and then demand some cheese. —@MacgyveringM22
Real question my kids got out of bed to ask me: “Mom, do you have any twigs I can use?” —@ashleyaustrew
A Love of Literature
Six-year-old: *checks out another Star Wars book from the school library*
Me: Why do you always get Star Wars books?
Six-year-old: I only read the classics. —@Xplodingunicorn
These corny Stars Wars jokes can be used for any occasion!
Before having kids:
“I am NEVER making separate meals for my children.”
Four years later: “Let me repeat your order: tricolour pasta (al dente) with butter and cheese on a bed of string cheese on a fairy plate, cup of water with star-shaped ice cubes, yogurt two ways, Cheez-Its.” —@bretjturner
Fish have Feelings
Son: What’s for dinner?
[He screams, starts hyperventilating, begins to break from reality.]
Son: [Suddenly stops] Wait. Have I ever had fish? —@DadandBuried
Call Steve Irwin
Recently, a little boy politely said hi to my nephew. He responded, “Hi! I am Alligator” and pretended to eat the other kid with his arms. I have never been prouder. —@karencheee
A New Godzilla
My four-year-old is insisting he’ll only eat “monster food,” and whatever that is, it’s definitely not the grilled cheese my wife just made. —@Dadpression
A Personalized Bath
My friend Luke didn’t realize until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature. He thought it was just a term his mom used to describe his bathwater. —@Adam__Melia
In my experience, when one door closes it reopens and closes 13 more times by a small child. —@mommajessiec
You won’t believe the strangest things mechanics have found in cars!
Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk
Four-year-old: Daddy, I spilled some milk.
Me: A little or a lot?
Four-year-old: A tiny bit.
Four-year-old: But that tiny bit went everywhere. —@Distracted_Dad
Eat Your Veggies
“The carrots are working!”—My six-year-old son, finding his shoes in a dark room. —@whatbabytalk
Make It Rain
*Making macaroni and cheese*
Five-year-old: I wanna put the cheese in!
Me, handing her open packet of powder: Okay, can you very carefully pour this in?
Five-year-old: *Just waves the packet around like she’s throwing rice at a wedding* —@copymama
Celebrate the joys of gastronomy with these amazing movies about cooking.
A Real Bad Boy
One of the weirdest things people would ask me when my kid was younger was, “Is he a good baby?”
Oh, no, this is one of those extremely bad babies. He runs an organized crime syndicate from his crib and sneaks cigarettes whenever I’m not looking. —Anne Thériault, writer
Roll With It
Today my child is upset by “All the stuff that doesn’t have wheels.” —@MyMomologue
We guarantee you’ll be able to relate to these funny Tweets about technology!
Have Your Cake and Eat it, Too
Three-year-old: *face covered in frosting*
Me: Were you eating cake?
Three-year-old: No. I just kissed it. —@XplodingUnicorn
Animals are Friends
[Making pigs in a blanket]
Six-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
Six-year-old: Nobody you know in a blanket. —@XplodingUnicorn
Brighten your day with these funny animal pictures.
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie. That’s what I’m here for.
Nine-year-old: Why are arms the only body parts that have a pit?
Me: Just go to sleep. —@Pork_Chop_Hair
Eight-year-old: How come you only cook food that I hate?
Me: Well, for starters, I keep a secret recipe book called Meals Kids Hate.
Eight-year-old: *Whispers, wide-eyed.* I knew it! —@LurkAtHomeMom
From tips to misunderstandings, these hilarious food Tweets will make you… hungry.
The best joke I heard this week was from my 11-year-old nephew: “Gender was invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.” —@waxpancake
Don’t miss these bad jokes that you can’t help but laugh at.
Philosopher in the Making
My daughter woke me up at 5 a.m. to urgently tell me “Any balloon SpongeBob blows up is technically a water balloon,” and I have not been able to fall back asleep. —@isabelzawtun
Me: Time for bed.
Four-year-old: No, it’s not.
Me: You can’t tell time.
Four-year-old: I can tell you’re wrong. —@XplodingUnicorn
Check out these adorable pictures of dogs dressed for work.
Sometimes I miss having a toddler, but then I hear one throwing a tantrum because “The moon keeps following me,” and I think, “Yeah, I’m good.” —@FatherWithTwins
You won’t want to miss these hilarious light bulb jokes.
Me: The broth in this beef stew I made is really good.
Son: Slowly squeezes ketchup into stew without breaking eye contact. —@KateWhineHall
A Message From Beyond the Grave
My kids: *using the Ouija board*
Instead of brushing her teeth like I asked, my five-year-old went to the bathroom, lay down in front of the toilet and took a nap. I guess what I’m trying to say is she’s my new life coach. —@daddysdigest
Get through the week with these funny jokes about work.
Daughter: What’s nostalgia?
Wife: It’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[Later] Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: Aww, we missed you!
Daughter: [whispering] Nostalgia. —@NewDadNotes