20 Witty Bar Jokes Anyone Can Remember
Turn the next five minutes into Happy Hour with these short, sweet bar jokes for any occasion. Warning: Please joke responsibly.
Bar Jokes Anyone Can Remember
Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”
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An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
A neutron walks into a bar.
“How much for a beer?” the neutron asks. “For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.”
If that last one made you laugh, you’ll love these funny physics jokes!
A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip?”
Two jumper cables walk into a bar.
One of them says, “We’d like a couple of beers, please.”
The bartender says, “OK, but don’t start anything.”
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A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Have you been served?”
A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm.
He asks for one beer, and one for the road.
Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”
The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them.
“Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”
Here are more math jokes you’ll want to memorize for Pi Day.
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A man runs into a bar.
Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me ten shots of your best whisky—quick!”
So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds.
“Why you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.
“You’d drink fast too, if you had what I have,” says the man.
“Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.
“Only twelve cents.”
A guy walks into a bar and asks for fruit punch.
The bartender says “Sure. Just get in line.”
The guy looks over and gets confused ’cause there’s no punchline.
This cowboy walks into a bar.
His hat is made of brown wrapping paper.
His shirt and vest are made of waxed paper.
And his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper.
Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.
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A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap.
“Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”
“France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”
The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveller walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke?”
If you enjoyed these bar jokes, be sure to check our round-up of the best Canadian jokes ever.