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15 Witty Bar Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Turn the next five minutes into Happy Hour with these short, sweet bar jokes for any occasion. Warning: Please joke responsibly.

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Short and witty bar jokesPhoto: Shutterstock

The past, present, and future walk into a bar…

It was tense.

The NSA Walks into a bar.
“Hey, I’ve got a great new joke for you!” the barman says.
The NSA smiles. “Heard it.”

Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”

An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

A neutron walks into a bar.
“How much for a beer?” the neutron asks. “For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.” Read on for even more hilarious bar jokes!

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Group of friends at a barPhoto: Shutterstock

Jimmy Wales* walks into a bar…

[citation needed]
*co-founder of Wikipedia

Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!”
The screwdriver squeals, “You have a drink named Philip?”

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap.
“Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?”
“France,” the kitty says. “They’ve got millions of them!”

If you love these bar jokes, you’ll laugh out loud at the 20 funniest lawyer jokes ever.

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Three friends drinking bar at barPhoto: Shutterstock

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar…

The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”
The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”
The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”
Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them.
“Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.
“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”
Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

This cowboy walks into a bar.
His hat is made of brown wrapping paper.
His shirt and vest are made of waxed paper.
And his chaps, pants, and boots are made of tissue paper.
Pretty soon they arrest him for rustling.

A man runs into a bar.
Panting, he tells the barkeep, “Give me ten shots of your best whiskey—quick!”
So the barkeep sets them up and the man knocks them all back in seconds.
“Why you drinking so fast?” asks the barkeep.
“You’d drink fast too, if you had what I have,” says the man.
“Why, what do you have?” asks the barkeep.
“Only twelve cents.”

A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveller walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke?”

Next, check our round-up of the best Canadian jokes ever.

Reader's Digest
Originally Published on Reader's Digest