Laughter, The Best Medicine
Looking for laughs? The world’s leading comedians share the best jokes they’ve ever told.
The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Todd Graham
Another term for camping should be “arguing outside.” – Todd Graham
Canadian: Spell colour.
American: No, you spell color.
American: No U.
So a Gorilla Walks Into a Bar…
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. Amazed, the bartender thinks, What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink. As he hands the martini over, the animal holds out a $20 bill. The bartender accepts the cash and decides to test his unusual customer’s intellect. He only gives the ape a dollar in change. The gorilla silently begins to sip his drink. “You know,” the bartender says, “we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “At $19 a drink, I’m not surprised.” – SunnySkyz
Eye of the Beholder
Who is this Rorschach guy, and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting? – Comedian Rob Denbleyker
I haven’t slept for 10 days, because that would be too long. – Comedian Mitch Hedberg
Looking for more laughs? Try these 9 Funny Jokes to Defuse Awkward Situations at Work!
You can’t believe it’s not butter? Buddy, almost everything is not butter. – @HippieSwordfish
The Best Joke I Ever Told, By Ed Hill
My doctor told me that I need to exercise in the morning. So I told myself I need a new doctor. – Ed Hill
Code of Ethics
I’m against animal testing, unless, of course, you’re testing little top hats and miniature sunglasses. – Julieanne Smolinski, writer
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. “Do you have Eyes of Blue and A Love Supreme?” she asked.
“Well, no,” answered the puzzled homeowner. “But I have a wife and 11 children.”
“Is that a record?” she inquired.
“I don’t think so,” he replied, “but it’s as close as I want to get.” – Reddit
That’s the Case
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization. – @TheNateWolf
Looking for more laughs? Check out the 170 Best Jokes About Marriage That You Can Tell at a Wedding!
Spot the Difference
Q: What’s the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
A: One will see you later, and the other will see you in a while. – Reddit
The Best Joke I Ever Told, by John Cullen
My girlfriend and I just broke up. We were in a long-distance relationship, which is easily the best kind of relationship to have if you’d like strangers to tel you that it’s not going to work. – John Cullen
Call of the Wild
We get it, birds. You know one song. – @EvanKaufman
Who’s an Agreeable Boy?
If humans had to negotiate with dogs…
Humans: Okay, so—
Dog negotiator: Yes.
Dog negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it.
Humans: I haven’t even—
Dog: I love you. – @Longwall26
Q: What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
A: A can’t opener. – Reddit
Famous Last Words
Canadian Julius Caesar: “Tu Brute, eh?” – @Aaronhm
Looking for more laughs? Check out these 17 Light Bulb Jokes That Make You Sound Smart!
Q: What is Forrest Gump’s password?
A: 1forrest1. -Reddit
The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Cliff Prang
When I tell bar audiences I used to be a pastor, they laugh at me. When I tell church people I am a comedian, they pray for me. -Cliff Prang
Q: How do you make seven even?
A: Take away the S. -Reddit
Pull Up a Seat Tiny
A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder.
The bartender says, “Oh, what an odd pet. What’s his name?”
“Tiny,” the man replies.
“Such an interesting name! Why do you call him Tiny?”
“Because,” the man says, shrugging, “he’s my newt.” -Reddit
Bartender: What can I get you?
Cat: A shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another one. –@sadanduseless
Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 25 Clever Jokes That Make You Sound Smart!
The Way the Cookie Crumbles
While eating Chinese takeout one evening, my son noticed there was no fortune in his cookie. “Oh, how unfortunate!” he exclaimed. – Wesley McKay, Thunder Bay, Ont.
The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Steve Patrick Adams
Judging by all dream sequences in movies, I wonder if anyone in Hollywood has ever actually had a dream first-hand. – Steve Patrick Adams
Of All Stripes
Zebra walking past a self-service checkout. – @jazmasta
The Sound of Music
A Scottish mother visits her son at his Toronto apartment and asks, “How are you finding your neighbours, Donald?”
“Mother,” says Donald, “the people in this building are so noisy. One won’t stop banging his head against the wall, while the other screams and screams all night long.”
“Oh, Donald! How do you manage to put up with them?”
“What can I do? I just lie in bed quietly, playing my bagpipes.” – reddit.com
[Dogs on coffee break]
Dog 1: “I heard a great joke.”
Dog 2: “Oh yeah?”
Dog 1: “Knock kn—”
*Dog 2 goes nuts.* – @Writeplay
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Q: Why did the cat fall into the well?
A: It couldn’t see that well. – reddit.com
The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Jeremy Woodcock
I really love the book The Picture of Dorian Gray. Wow. Never gets old. – Jeremy Woodcock
As Seen on TV
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from mattress commercials, it’s that you do NOT want a hot red spine. The body prefers a cool blue spine. – @monicaheisey
And the award for best neckwear goes to…Well, would you look at that? It’s a tie. – @cornonthegoblin
What if dogs had their own 911 line?
Dog 911: What’s your emergency?
Dog: MY HUMAN WENT TO WORK.
Dog 911: So?
Dog: WHAT IF THIS TIME HE DOESN’T COME BACK?
Dog 911: OMG.
Dog 911: What’s your emergency?
Dog: MY BALL IS UNDER THE COUCH.
Dog 911: You try barking at it?
Dog: IT DIDN’T WORK.
Dog 911: OMG.
Dog: OMG. – @Reverend_Scott
A snake walks into a bar…
And the bartender says, “How the heck did you do that?” – reddit.com
Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 13 Funny Dad Quotes to Use This Father’s Day!
It’s All Greek to Me
Apollo: I’ll be the god of the sun!
Hermes: Okay, I’ll take light—
Apollo: I’m also light.
Artemis: I’ll take music!
Apollo: No, I’m also music. That’s me too. – @Carouselmouse
One day my husband asked me if I remembered the name of the god of love.
“Eros,” I told him.
“No, not Eros,” he said. “The one who shoots the Eros.” – Virginia Anderson, Sarnia, Ont.
The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Daniel Woodrow
I wish my cellphone was made out of whatever my TV remote is, because I’ve dropped it countless times, and it’s still mint condition. – Daniel Woodrow
The person who named walkie-talkies named everything?
*Socks would be feetie-heaties.
* Forks would be stabbie-grabbies.
*Wigs would be hairy-wearies.
*Microwaves would be heatie-eaties. – reddit.com
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: Ants…tiny…got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: But, OMG, so strong. – @iamspacegirl
Thank you, fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I’m bad at sports. – Comedian Jimmy Fallon
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Q: What do vegetarian zombies eat?
A: GRAIIIIIIINS! – reddit.com
The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Scott Vrooman
The best investment is in yourself, which is why I eat all of my money. – Scott Vrooman
A Matter of Taste
Q: What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
A: Attire. – reddit.com
Q: What did the farmer say when his hay blew away?
A: Hay! Come back! – reddit.com
Two horses are standing in a field. “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse,” says the first.
“Moo!” says the second. – reddit.com
A driver is pulled over for speeding. As the officer writes the ticket, he notices several machetes in the car.
“What are those for?” he asks, suspicious.
“I’m a juggler,” the man replies. “I use those in my act.”
“Prove it by showing me,” demands the officer.
The man gets out and performs his trick, juggling several blades. Just then, another car passes by. Doing a double take, the driver turns to his passenger and says, “As if there wasn’t already enough incentive not to drink and drive—look at the sobriety test they’re giving!” – reddit.com
Looking for more Laughs? Check out As Kids See It!
A Colourful Response
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside. – Kim Nowak, Calgary
The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Sophie Kohn
I bought a new blender the other day. The box says it “easily processes everything!” And it’s like, okay, buddy, we’re not all so lucky. – Sophie Kohn
A woman walks into a store and asks the clerk, “Can I try on the dress in the shop window, please?”
“I’m sorry, but you can’t,” says the employee. “We have change rooms for that.” – short-funny.com
How many eggs are there in a French omelette? Just one, because one egg is un oeuf. – reddit.com
A man calls 9-1-1. When the dispatcher picks up, the man yells, “You have to send the firefighters immediately. There’s a fire!”
“Okay, sir,” the dispatcher says. “But please, tell us how to get to you.”
Puzzled, the man asks, “What, you don’t have those big red trucks anymore?” – short-funny.com
Two clairvoyants meet. One says to the other, “You are fine, and how am I?” – short-funny.com
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Pick Up Line Fail
A stamp collector walks into a bar. He approaches the waitress and says, “You’re more beautiful than any stamp in my collection!”
She replies, “Sir, philately will get you nowhere.” – reddit.com
The Best Joke I Ever Told, by Jessica Salomon
I’ve never been especially cool. When I was a kid, I once shoplifted a thesaurus. But then I felt so guilty, so sorry, so remorseful, so shameful, so repentant—so I returned it. – Jessica Salomon
Flight of Fancy
Q: What do you call a snobbish criminal walking downstairs?
A: A condescending con descending.
Q: Why should you be wary of staircases?
A: They’re always up to something. – reddit.com
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it’s ajar. – reddit.com
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air while I popped into a store. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to emphasize that she had to remain there. As I walked backward to the curb, I pointed toward the car and firmly said, “Now, you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!”
A driver parked nearby gave me a startled look. “I don’t know about you, lady,” he said, “but I usually just put my car in park.” – gcfl.net
Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 7 Classic Jokes and Their Fascinating Origins!
I bought my friend an elephant for his room, and he said, “Thanks.”
I said, “Don’t mention it.” –reddit.com
The Best Joke I ever Told, by Kate Davis
Kids are expensive, I didn’t even realize how broke I was until last year someone stole my identity and it ruined her life. –Kate Davis
Lost and Found
A man loses his dog, so he puts an ad in the paper, and the ad says: “Here, boy.” –Comedian Spike Milligan
Any Way You Want It
*Ordering cake over the phone*
“And what would you like the cake to say?”
*Covers phone to ask wife*
“Do we want a talking cake?” –@KeetPotato
Need a New Hobby?
Spent all evening gluing watches together to make a belt. Complete waist of time. –@Pundamentalism
Three Times the Fun
Hey, nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan. –@GrowlyGrego
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Say what you will about ballet, but those people know how to put tu and tu together. – @jwPencilAndPad
The Best Joke I Ever Told, By Brandon Calder
I wonder if there’s an alternate universe out there where zombies tell stories about “non-dead” humans:
“And then it was July and Linda realized she was three months late on declaring her taxes.”
“Mommy, I’m scared.”
“Its just a story, baby…it’s just a story.” – Brandon Calder
God: You may ask me one question.
Me: Why aren’t there lower case and upper case numbers?
Me: I want to write loud numbers. – @LeBearGirdle
*Creator of Charlie Brown sits down to draw a cartoon*
“What do eight-year-old boys look like again? Bald? It’s bald, right?” – @thenatewolf
Q: Why don’t ants get sick?
A: Because they have little antibodies. –reddit.com
Looking for more Laughs? Check out these 10 Short Jokes